I Am Free

Exactly one year ago I entered treatment for Anorexia Nervosa. I’m not afraid to talk about this. I didn’t choose to have an eating disorder. I didn’t do it for attention. I didn’t think my weight loss looked good. I didn’t want to avoid my friends. I didn’t want to starve myself. I didn’t want to exercise until I thought I’d die. ED did though, and I thought ED was my biggest ally.

I was used to rejecting invitations or watching others eat while I just sat there. I was used to looking sick and being antisocial. I was complacent with this illusion of control; feeling this strange mixture of superiority and defeat every time I pushed the boundaries of my extreme restriction. I was empty. So ED filled me and told me I could control my weight, and thus, my happiness and self-worth.

After 5 years of being a slave to my eating disorder, I met someone who made me want to change; really change. And on December 15, 2014 at 5:30pm, I walked into Renfrew and started my journey to recovery. Some people close to me assumed I could just start eating and I’d be okay. They would actually ask me “Aren’t you better yet? I thought you got over that.” Or “You eat now, you must be healthy again.” The food is just a small part of an eating disorder.

I had to retrain my stomach to hold food; I had to force myself to drastically cut down on exercise. I had to try so hard not to body-check every time I went to the bathroom mirror. I sat through so many nights just crying from the physical and emotional pain. I could literally feel my stomach expanding each time I had a meal. It felt disgusting. I’d be nauseous, I’d be constipated, I’d be moody as hell. I’d hate myself for being “weak” and eating. I’d hate the slice of pizza sitting in front of me. I’d hate it because it tasted so good but “it would make me fat.” I hated the cheese, I hated the crust, I hated the grease leaking onto the plate in a small puddle. I hated that other people could just eat pizza and laugh and smile and then eat another slice! I was furious.

I sat in front of several therapists. We dug around for all the skeletons, brushing cobwebs off of all the experiences of my past. Sometimes I just sat there wondering if this was even helping. Other times I cried my eyes out. Once in group therapy I expressed my desire to just be through with ED. “I just can’t wait until I’m fully recovered and ED’s not a thing anymore. That’s why I’m here.” Then I learned that ED never really goes away; you just choose to ignore ED.

Recovery isn’t a straight path. There were times I knew my thoughts were totally skewed and irrational, but they were my safety net. “I won’t eat this, but I’ll eat that.” “I just need to walk around the block 10 times to work off that piece of bread.” In fact, I was fine with my perception of “normal,” and it wasn’t until I was deeply invested in someone else that I decided I wanted (and had to) make a change.

Of course it was terrible. It was also wonderful. I counted every small step. I celebrated the tiny victory of eating ice cream (and eventually I no longer worried about the calories and fat in it.) I started noticing how much healthier I looked. I had to surround myself with body positivity, and in a society like ours…that was really tough. I had to ignore the ads and articles promising to help me “lose 10 pounds in 2 days.” I had to filter the body-shaming and fat-talk that so many people engage in on a daily basis, sometimes without even realizing it. I had to challenge my own thoughts. Literally, I had a journal where I would write down my thoughts and then jot down the reality next to it. For example:

            Thought: I look like a pregnant cow.

            Reality: You’ve put on weight, yes. But you are still underweight!

I had to read blogs from others who have gone through ED. Does this permanent food baby ever go away? Will I ever have a normal digestive system? Will I always get full from just a few bites of food? If it hadn’t been for others sharing their recovery journeys, I don’t know if I would’ve been able to go on. So I hope my story can help to encourage someone to seek recovery from an eating disorder or even prevent one in the first place.

I made a list of my positive qualities; none of them related to my physical appearance. I joined a support group. I journaled. I prayed. I “graduated” from Renfrew (because saying “I was discharged” sounds so gross.) Even after going through an Intensive Outpatient Program, I still had a long way to go. There were tears and outbursts and so much frustration. Yet I remember always thinking

“Oh my goodness; I did this to myself.”

So now I wake up every morning and I think about how I’m going to love my body today. I spent 5 years killing my body…overworking it, starving it, hating it, insulting it. So I made a promise to my body NEVER TO HURT IT AGAIN. EVER. The few months after treatment, I would still have urges. Just to skip a meal or to do some extra exercise or to entertain that negative thought. No big deal, right? Well I knew what would happen if I allowed myself to do something that was “no big deal.” I would get flushed down a swirling toilet bowl of self-hatred and self-destruction. So if I ever felt those urges, I told someone I trusted and they helped me get through it.

There were definitely positives to all of this hardship. I got to experience the goodness of food again. After years of eating a limited variety of food, I was tasting things for what seemed like the first time. Then I started laughing more. Wow, it felt so good to laugh. To really laugh. Then I felt loved. So loved.

The negatives? Regret. The regret that I broke so many friendships because ED was more important to me. Isolating myself became my go-to coping mechanism. If I hid away maybe nobody would know just how messed up I was. Anger. I was angry that nobody in high school or college tried harder to help me get better, even though I know at that point I would’ve just gotten really mad and denied I had a problem. I was angry at myself for spending 5 years in a destructive relationship with myself. That might be the worst part about having an eating disorder; you can’t trust yourself. You give so much effort to be in control of your life without even realizing that you are being controlled by this ugly monster inside of you. Finally, there is the sadness. I was sad that I lost friends, opportunities, and experiences. Sad that I spent some of “the best years of my life” stuck in a war with myself. Sad that there are people out there who will always remember me as “that anorexic girl in school.”

I must focus on the positives.

In the past few months, I’ve looked in the mirror and actually said to myself “You look great!” My eyes don’t immediately go to my tummy or my thighs. I notice the life in my eyes, my wider smile, my shinier hair, my more radiant skin. Even when I do look at my other body parts, I see health. Arms that aren’t the same width all the way up. I have hips now, and a butt! Oh, and the food baby does go away, given enough time (lots of time.) I’m firm in some places and soft in other places and for the first time in a long time, I actually feel like a young woman.

My body can dance and jump and skip and accept hugs without breaking. I eat chocolate and meat and all sorts of yummy food. I feed my body so that it can do all of the things I love to do. I have a healthy relationship with exercise. I lounge on the couch and do nothing. I have days where I eat a lot and days where I eat a little. I have days when I feel like rocking a dress because I look hella good. I have days where I wear sweats because I feel “meh.” I can sit in a chair without my backside hurting after 5 minutes. I can talk a walk and enjoy it without thinking about calorie burn. I can eat those foods that once were my “challenge foods” and not even think twice about it. I can try on clothes without paying attention to the size tag. I can accept a compliment. I can go about my day with an energy that I haven’t felt in a long time. I can be hugged around my waist and not feel self-conscious about having fat on my body. I talk about my feelings. I share. I’m phasing myself out of an antidepressant. I’m engaged.

And I freaking LOVE pizza.

Grateful

It's always interesting to take a step back and just soak in all that we really have. Sometimes it surprises me how much I keep wishing for something better, better, better. So yesterday I thought I'd humor myself and just recall my day and see just how fortunate I am. Here's what happened.

7am: Hm...I'm running low on yogurt. I'll go get some more. I'm grateful that I have money and I can choose what I want to eat, rather than just hunting and gathering for whatever I can find.

11am: I'll walk to the grocery store. It's only about a 20-minute walk. Oh, and it starts raining right when I walk outside, haha. I'm grateful I have this umbrella and access to a grocery store that has loads of food for my every food-related desire. I'm grateful that all I have to do is walk 20 minutes to reach a market that is filled with more food options than is really necessary. Really, I could stand there for a half hour deciding which apples to buy.

11:30am: With these grocery bags, I'll take the trolley home. The stop is right behind the grocery store anyway. I'm grateful for public transportation, even though it can be annoying at times. 

4pm: Wow, I'm getting tired of sitting here doing work on my computer. I need to get up and move! It's kind of wet and cold out though...hm...I'll do some jumping jacks!! That'll get me amped up. I'm grateful that I have a place to live that is warm and cozy and dry. I'm grateful that I have this computer. It allows me to do work, make money, and learn new things. And I'm grateful that I have a lifestyle that allows me to work from home and be comfortable and sit down. Some people would kill for that. And I'm grateful that I have this awesome body which is now healthier and happier and able to do jumping jacks. And I'm grateful that I am now mentally healthy enough to do some jumping jacks without taking it to the extreme.

6pm: Work is over and it's time for something fun! I'm going to sketch! I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to do that; stop working and enjoy leisure time. Some people have to work and work and work some more just to put food on the table. I'm grateful that I have hobbies that I love and that I have time to do them. 

6:30pm: Nothing like sketching and listening to music. I'm grateful for music. It soothes my soul and makes me happy. I'm so happy I feel like it's a drug!! How wonderful to be able to just sit here and draw and listen to music and be happy. Some people do not have this luxury.

9pm: I'm going to relax in bed now. I want to get a good night's sleep and feel well-rested tomorrow. I'm grateful for my warm bed, my blankets, and the fact that I can actually get 8+ hours of sleep each night. Zzzzzz.......

Okay, so my life is not a fairy-tale. Yet while I was writing this, I realized how much I have to be grateful for. I have food, shelter, friends, a job. And while I sometimes complain about these things, I really am appreciative. I don't have a car, a high-paying job, or a big house. And I'm totally cool with that. There's nothing wrong with having those things, as long as we don't let them distract us from missing out on life.

Take That, Emotions!

I've been noticing a pattern in the past couple of weeks.

I'm more content. I'm stable, I'm better able to handle my emotions. I'm looking at things in a more positive way. Plus, why shouldn't I be feeling good? I've got a spectacular fiance! And while most of my day-to-day happenings haven't changed much, I am certainly changing. And I think that's a good thing!

Just yesterday I put my coping skills to the test. I felt myself getting irritable and frustrated with someone for no reason at all. I recognized that feeling, nipped it in the bud, and told myself "hey, you're getting worked up right now over nothing. So take a chill pill and do something you like." So I started writing. Ta-da! Meltdown averted!

And it's not just me noticing these positive changes. It feels great to be able to be with people I care about and have positive interactions throughout my day. I'm even feeling better at work (for the past couple of months I've actually decided to start caring about work. Who would've thought that would be so...HELPFUL?!)

I also realized that ED thoughts have been miles away lately. I'm feeding my body awesome food and I'm moving it and taking care of it. When it wants to rest, I rest. When it wants to move around, I get up and at 'em. Oh, thank you body, for being so wonderful. I'll never deliberately hurt you again!

Really though, recovery has been great. I'm seeing so many improvements that it's bringing a smile to my face. No worries about getting to a proper "wedding weight;" no issues with cooking and eating with my fiance; less feelings of inadequacy when I see images of 'ideal bodies.'

I challenge you to find one area of your life where you can be more positive. Is it at work? With your relationship? With your family? With yourself? You may surprise yourself with the changes you can make.

Things I'm Worried About But Shouldn't Be

Do you ever find yourself dealing with that strange feeling that something is wrong? I have this needling itch in the back of my mind that something is just off today. Sounds like the perfect time to call out my cognitive distortions and put my coping skills to the test!

Worry: My stomach hurts; I probably ate something crappy and now my body is punishing me. Yuck. Hopefully this bloaty, upset stomach feeling will go away soon.

Worry: I'm looking for jobs. Well, this stinks.

Worry: I should really start planning that wedding, huh?

Worry: Am I the only one who doesn't have it together?

Worry: I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential. I sure as hell hope I don't die today, because I would be so utterly disappointed.

Worry: What if I never get to travel the world like I've always dreamed?

Worry: What if all this writing is going to waste? Am I dumb for wishing I could actually do this for life?

Worry: What if I never achieve any of my dreams and life goals?


Wow, those are a lot of worries and "what if" statements. Anyone else give in to "what if" statements? Yeah, I thought so. Represent!

But not really. Now that I've got those worries written down, I already feel a bit better. I took some Pepto-Bismol and got that tummy-ache out of the way. I know that I feed my body nutritious delicious yumminess and I know that I make sure to move it everyday. I'm searching for jobs and that is what I need to keep doing. When an opportunity presents itself and my heart feels right, I go for it. And if it falls through, then I know there is something else out there for me. We're going to visit the wedding venue on Saturday. And I know that I am definitely not the only one who doesn't have it together!

That takes care of the first few worries, but what about the last four? Those are biggies; and I'm not sure what the definitive answer is. Maybe there isn't one? I do know that one of my biggest fears is not living up to what I can truly be. I'm terrified of wasting the years away without learning, growing, loving, giving, sharing, experiencing, building...

So what do I do? Is it as easy as getting motivated and just doing it? I don't think so, but it's a good place to start. I think we all worry about these things (in varying degrees of urgency) and the best thing to do is just go for it. Not just blindly go about achieving your hopes and dreams without any planning or deliberation or whatnot; but at the same time we shouldn't just throw in the towel because it looks too difficult.

I'm a big believer in writing out what you want to do. For me, when I write it down, I feel more accountable to it, even if nobody sees the note I wrote but me. Having some kind of visualization of that goal, even if it is just a sentence or two, helps to push me forward. And that is part of why I blog. This post is titled 'Things I'm Worried About But Shouldn't Be' and it pertains to all of the worries I listed. At the end of the day, I'm gonna be a warrior, not a worrier.

Relationships

Today I've been reflecting on relationships.

For the longest time I was that girl who didn't want a romantic relationship. Or rather, I did, but it was just not worth it. I could dream and imagine the perfect boyfriend I'd have; how he'd say all the right things and do cute little things for me and we'd take silly pictures while having a picnic.

In the back of my mind, I never really thought such a thing would happen. I mean, everyone's got issues and nobody is perfect. I actually prefer it that way. Yet even though I accepted that people are flawed creatures, I still didn't want to get wrapped up in a romance with anyone. That would be horrible!

Did I mention I'm engaged?*

Anyway, by the time my last year of high school rolled around, I had totally given up on the whole dating thing. So much so, that my mom even asked me once if I was into guys. Yesssss...but, meh, too much work, effort, and time. So I continued on my solo journey through life straight into college. Where there were crushes, and romantic tension, and even a relationship that I'm still even sure why I had in the first place. And there was me chasing others and others chasing me and all the while I had no idea what was going on. Was this love? What in the world was this? If this is what romance is, I'm out. No thank you. No way, Jose.

So I graduated single. I was happy with that. I could travel, I could do my thing, I could go off on adventures without a guy holding me back. Heh. That started to get old. I found myself wanting to have a close relationship with someone, but the thought of that was scary. This person would have to know the true me: my secrets, my hopes, dreams, fears, successes, failures...goodness, I can barely keep up with myself; how was someone else supposed to keep up with me?!

The only explanation I can come up with is God. I believe that my fiance and I are together because we were placed into each other's lives. And might I add, the timing couldn't have been better. Do I believe there is a "soulmate" for everyone? No, not really. I think I could very well have been with someone else and happy. But I don't want to be with someone else. I love this person more than I ever thought possible. I just can't see how this pairing could've just been coincidence.

Yesterday, Matthew and I had a misunderstanding. Nothing serious; just a scuffle about our differing interests. And I'm glad it happened. I loved the way we handled it and I love that we keep growing and communicating and respecting each other. Instead of walking away angry or yelling at each other, we sat down and talked about it. And within 15 minutes, we were happy and cuddly. Of course, not every disagreement is going to end like that, but I was thrilled that yesterday went so well. And I love that Matthew and I disagree about stuff. I love that there are things that annoy us about each other. Why? Because it would be so boring if we had everything in common! I don't want to marry myself!

I'm still a bit in disbelief that I have a fiance. I have someone I want to spend the rest of my life with and to share my life with, to share everything with! I thought I was selfish and destined to be alone! I guess not...because I've learned that relationships do indeed take a lot of work, whether they're romantic or not. I have a very small circle of friends (both my "outer circle" and my "inner circle.") And I think that's okay. I value my relationships so much; I take them seriously. I want to be surrounded by people who build me up, teach me, share with me, inspire me, challenge me to be the best I can be. And I want to do the same for them. And I have lots of inner turmoil related to that, and that's my fault, not theirs.**

When did friendships become a game of one-upping each other? When did marriages become dreaded fates that our college buddies get dragged into? When did parents become burdens that we have an obligation to call every month or so? I'm not saying everyone thinks this, but the patterns I've seen lately have been reminding me of how little value we place on relationships. And I'm guilty of it, too!

So maybe my friends can expect to get a phone call or an email sometime soon. I believe that we are meant to lift each other up. Sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on and sometimes we are that shoulder. Sometimes we want to share our successes with others and sometimes we're congratulating others on their triumphs. Sometimes we need to be told that we're veering in the wrong direction and sometimes we need to guide others. Instead of seeing relationships as bothersome duties, why don't we be grateful for them?

*To a guy who does indeed love picnics.
**And that's a completely other story.

A Millennial's Dilemma

I read an interesting article today that really opened up my mind. It challenged some of my misconceptions about my own generation. Crazy, right?! This article was a rather good argument against the reputation millennials have as being lazy, stupid, self-obsessed, lacking values, and having no direction in life.

I must be honest: in a way, I was a bit judgmental of today's twenty-somethings. As if my friends weren't evidence enough that there are young people out there who are fabulous globally-aware citizens, I somehow adopted the attitude that my generation was "doomed." We use social media way too much, we'd rather text than call, and popular music nowadays is overflowing with sex, riches, and more sex.

But wait! What if millennials aren't a one-size-fits-all kind of group? What if we were a generation that is innovative, challenged, and ambitious, and -gasp- responsible? Here's the perspective I gained after some careful consideration:

Millennials are lazy. Hang on a second. Aren't many of us going to college (or already out of college?) Last time I checked, higher education required a lot of hard work. Plus, with the financial disaster bestowed upon us, many of us have had to work while going to school, giving us excellent time-management skills and a sense of responsibility. Moreover, with all of the competition out there, young adults have had to work extremely hard to make themselves look appealing on their transcripts. That means getting good grades in school, doing extracurricular activities, getting part-time jobs, and engaging in volunteer work. That doesn't sound lazy to me.

Millennials are stupid. Say what? Most of us have enough technological know-how to navigate a webpage in Japanese with our hands tied behind our back. We're exposed to so many topics during high school and college that weren't even a possibility for our parents. We can take a course on survivalist skills or the portrayal of women in literature throughout the centuries or ancient religions. We have loads of educational resources available to us, be it documentaries, podcasts, TED talks, digital encyclopedias, and scholarly databases. Stupid? Hah!

Millennials are self-obsessed. Hm, it's easy to see why someone might say this. Yet with the emphasis that many schools place on volunteer work, most millennials have learned just how important it is to help their neighbor. Plus, just because someone is using their phone or laptop, it doesn't mean they're glossing through Facebook feeds and tweets. The Internet is a wonderful tool that has allowed countless organizations and student-run initiatives to flourish. And those apps and social networks that we use so much are great places to collaborate, learn and share ideas, and find new connections and jobs.

Millennials lack values. Not so. Yes, it is very easy to become numb to the flagrant nudity, cursing, and sexuality that we see in the media, but that doesn't mean that we're all in agreement with it. I know many young people who would rather read up on current events or apply for scholarships and jobs or connect with new people. And by the way, my church is made mostly of young families and millennials.

Millennials have no direction. On the contrary, we have been brought up to know damn well where we're going, especially because we were born into a society where healthcare, education, and the distribution of wealth are so out of whack. It's not so easy anymore; we can go to college, but many of us end up spending 4 years studying for a job that we're not even sure is going to exist when we graduate. We start seeking out opportunities in middle school to pursue our interests and rack up experience so that we can get a decent job and start paying off those student loans. We network with people and seek new experiences so that we can gain new skills and friendships. We're putting off marriage and children because we want to focus on creating a firm foundation so as to be financially, emotionally, and mentally ready for that new stage of life.

Now I can see that millennials aren't all that bad. We all know that we shouldn't discriminate, and that includes age discrimination as well.

Just a Few of My Favorite Things

Happy Monday and welcome, November. This is one of my least favorite months...it starts to get cold, the trees lose their leaves, and there is loads of talk about football. Even though there's Thanksgiving, I'm not crazy about the holiday (more football and way too much food, most of which I don't even like that much.)

But enough complaining! I had a fabulous weekend and I'm ready to start the month with loads of positive vibes. So I'm going to share some of the inspiring quotes that I've read recently and I hope that maybe one or two of them will help to cheer you up or make your bright mood even brighter.

Repeat after me: 
         I am stronger than this challenge. And this challenger 
              is making me even
                    stronger.


It is a shame for a woman to grow old without ever seeing the strength and beauty of which her body is capable.


Be present.


If you walk only on sunny days you'll never reach your destination.


I have decided to be happy because it is good for my health.


Exercise to be fit, not 'skinny'
     Eat to nourish your body
          Ignore the doubters and unhealthy examples that were once feeding you. 
     You are worth more than you realize.


Happy Monday, everybody.