Relationships

Today I've been reflecting on relationships.

For the longest time I was that girl who didn't want a romantic relationship. Or rather, I did, but it was just not worth it. I could dream and imagine the perfect boyfriend I'd have; how he'd say all the right things and do cute little things for me and we'd take silly pictures while having a picnic.

In the back of my mind, I never really thought such a thing would happen. I mean, everyone's got issues and nobody is perfect. I actually prefer it that way. Yet even though I accepted that people are flawed creatures, I still didn't want to get wrapped up in a romance with anyone. That would be horrible!

Did I mention I'm engaged?*

Anyway, by the time my last year of high school rolled around, I had totally given up on the whole dating thing. So much so, that my mom even asked me once if I was into guys. Yesssss...but, meh, too much work, effort, and time. So I continued on my solo journey through life straight into college. Where there were crushes, and romantic tension, and even a relationship that I'm still even sure why I had in the first place. And there was me chasing others and others chasing me and all the while I had no idea what was going on. Was this love? What in the world was this? If this is what romance is, I'm out. No thank you. No way, Jose.

So I graduated single. I was happy with that. I could travel, I could do my thing, I could go off on adventures without a guy holding me back. Heh. That started to get old. I found myself wanting to have a close relationship with someone, but the thought of that was scary. This person would have to know the true me: my secrets, my hopes, dreams, fears, successes, failures...goodness, I can barely keep up with myself; how was someone else supposed to keep up with me?!

The only explanation I can come up with is God. I believe that my fiance and I are together because we were placed into each other's lives. And might I add, the timing couldn't have been better. Do I believe there is a "soulmate" for everyone? No, not really. I think I could very well have been with someone else and happy. But I don't want to be with someone else. I love this person more than I ever thought possible. I just can't see how this pairing could've just been coincidence.

Yesterday, Matthew and I had a misunderstanding. Nothing serious; just a scuffle about our differing interests. And I'm glad it happened. I loved the way we handled it and I love that we keep growing and communicating and respecting each other. Instead of walking away angry or yelling at each other, we sat down and talked about it. And within 15 minutes, we were happy and cuddly. Of course, not every disagreement is going to end like that, but I was thrilled that yesterday went so well. And I love that Matthew and I disagree about stuff. I love that there are things that annoy us about each other. Why? Because it would be so boring if we had everything in common! I don't want to marry myself!

I'm still a bit in disbelief that I have a fiance. I have someone I want to spend the rest of my life with and to share my life with, to share everything with! I thought I was selfish and destined to be alone! I guess not...because I've learned that relationships do indeed take a lot of work, whether they're romantic or not. I have a very small circle of friends (both my "outer circle" and my "inner circle.") And I think that's okay. I value my relationships so much; I take them seriously. I want to be surrounded by people who build me up, teach me, share with me, inspire me, challenge me to be the best I can be. And I want to do the same for them. And I have lots of inner turmoil related to that, and that's my fault, not theirs.**

When did friendships become a game of one-upping each other? When did marriages become dreaded fates that our college buddies get dragged into? When did parents become burdens that we have an obligation to call every month or so? I'm not saying everyone thinks this, but the patterns I've seen lately have been reminding me of how little value we place on relationships. And I'm guilty of it, too!

So maybe my friends can expect to get a phone call or an email sometime soon. I believe that we are meant to lift each other up. Sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on and sometimes we are that shoulder. Sometimes we want to share our successes with others and sometimes we're congratulating others on their triumphs. Sometimes we need to be told that we're veering in the wrong direction and sometimes we need to guide others. Instead of seeing relationships as bothersome duties, why don't we be grateful for them?

*To a guy who does indeed love picnics.
**And that's a completely other story.