Calling Out Old Triggers

I have felt on fire these past two weeks. I wake up, I eat, I play, I talk, I pray, I live. Life is no longer a chore; something that I should do because I'm still here. It has much more meaning, and I firmly believe it's an answer to prayer.

It's been a bit surreal seeing life without my ED glasses. It is almost a game; spotting the things that once triggered me so much. It breaks my heart to know that I used to slowly kill myself with starvation because I saw someone or heard something that applauded our absolutely absurd ideals of beauty.

Some reactions I've had in the past few days:

*While watching The Little Mermaid:
Me: "Ariel needs a normal waist! She's "pretty," but I like my waist" (Did I really say I liked my waist? Yes, I did! Awesome!) Matthew: "Yeah, and why is her hair so bouncy after jumping out of the ocean?" (Good point.)

*While walking past a clothing store window:
Me: "No wonder we're screwed up; that mannequin has no room for internal organs!"

*While watching a TV comedy:
Character: "I have a lot on my plate. And I don't mean that literally."
Another character: "Oh, I know tons of ways to make someone throw up."
Yet another character: "I can handle babysitters. I chew them up and spit them out. Just like I do with my food." (Really?!?! Totally insensitive...)

Now, I know I can't live in a world that is totally perfect and free of triggers. There are plenty of times when I make fun of my "trigger warnings," because it really is absurd. I know the media is not to entirely to blame for eating disorders or distorted body image or low self-esteem. However, the media is certainly not helping.

Without a whole lot of reality-checking, thought-challenging, and a decent support system, it is extremely easy for people like me to fall into the trap of thinking what society tells us is how we really should be. Fortunately, I have been gaining a lot of confidence and becoming quite skilled in filtering the garbage from the truth. Just looking at the progress I've made in 6 months; 3 months; 1 month...it's incredible!

Just a year ago I was having some kind of crisis; I felt so lost and alone. I feel very blessed to have this life, and to be given a second chance. Life after ED. Living according to truth, not lies! Life with people who love me and care for me and help me. I hope to do the same for them. I want to focus on that, rather than on triggers.

I look good. I feel good.

It's been a bit since I last wrote, but that's because I've been living! Actually living, not playing pretend as I have done so often in the past.

Something has clicked this past week. Something has happened!

I feel normal. I have days without ED thoughts, and I am beginning to really like my body. After grubbing on some delicious pizza last night, I looked at myself and then at my boyfriend and I said, "I look good. I actually feel attractive."

I do look good. Not to sound arrogant or pompous. I have a feminine body, and I'm not afraid of it. This body eats salad, pizza, fruit, cookies, yogurt, ice cream, and so much more. It even eats sushi again! The real kind.

This body can run, lounge, jump, sleep, dance, and cuddle. This body has smoothness and curves. This body gets hungry and satisfied. This body is loved, respected, nurtured, and thanked.

This body is mine!

Has anything drastically changed with my body in the past few weeks? Not really. True, I have been adhering to a consistent pattern of eating. I have been outside more and I've been using my body more. Still, nothing ground-breaking has happened to it. It's what's happened to my mind that is more exciting.

I am accepting. I am loving. I am thankful for this body, and I embrace it. Do I have parts that jiggle and shake? Yes. Do I have parts that are thin? Yes. Do I have areas that I'm not 100% satisfied with? Yes. Do I have parts that I really love? Yes.

This isn't ED, this is real life. We all have things we wish we could change, but when it comes down to the heart of the matter, I love this body, and I don't want to hurt it ever again.

What liberation! What a tremendous sigh of relief to realize that I haven't been giving in to ED. I can't remember the last time I really questioned what I was eating. How free it feels to nourish myself and not have my entire day - my entire life - revolve around food and eating (or not eating.) What a wonderful feeling to look in the mirror and not have to body-check, not have to examine my waist or my hips or my belly. To just see that person in the mirror and be happy that she is here.

Kaitlin is here, and she is taking her life back from ED.

Why Isn't it Getting Easier?

I am pretty sure that recovery is harder than being sick. Now that I am recovering, I have to bite back when ED tries to tell me that I am worthless, fat, ugly, and not good enough. Honestly, I am getting so tired of it. Why isn't recovery getting easier?

I broke down last night. I just cried and cried. I felt so ugly; so huge. All I could see was my tummy hanging out, and bulges that never used to be there. I wanted my sick body back. I still kind of do...

But, I can't want that. How could I want that? The gray skin, the brittle hair, the sore, weak body, the jutting bones, the grotesque limbs, the constant cold, the self-hate. I don't want that again. Yet, I don't like what I have now. I don't know how to deal with a body that is bigger and heavier than it used to be. Three-quarters of my wardrobe no longer fits; I have curves that I haven't had in so long; getting dressed is a huge battle that leaves me feeling like a stuffed sausage.

I think I've had a lot of triggers lately, even if I am only realizing them now. Springtime means warmer weather, which means short sleeves, shorts, dresses, and skirts. I'm not even thinking of swimsuits at this point, because it scares the crap out of me. I feel extremely self-conscious about showing any skin; I have been covering up with sweatpants and hoodies. To top it off, my spring and summer clothes don't even fit, which makes me want to cry.

Another trigger? I have been exposed to a lot of ads and talk surrounding weight loss and "clean" eating. It's getting to me. I used to be orthorexic (extremely health-conscious) and now I'm eating things that have ingredients I would have completely shunned in the past. I had a long conversation with my boyfriend today about sugars and refined carbs...and my fear of consuming them.

The truth is, I don't feel cute, pretty, or attractive. I feel like a whale, and I feel like all I've gained is a belt of belly fat that I want to starve and exercise away. I've stayed away from body-checking, but I was suggested to just look at myself (not pulling or poking at anything on my body) and just see that I am beautiful. Could I do that? I don't know...

I also don't know where I would be without the wonderful man in my life. What other guy would do something like this for his girlfriend?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzTa9OG1Gu-GSVZLSmI0aGlkYzQ/view?usp=sharing [WARNING: This link shows models showing skin, although they have healthy, normal bodies.]

Wow. That was pretty powerful to see. My question is: why aren't these women in the mainstream? These women are beautiful; they're hot! I just feel so far from seeing my body the same way...and at this point, I am kind of stuck. I've actually been feeling this way for a few weeks, and it is not getting easier. I wish I knew a good, positive way to end this post. Some days are just really, really difficult.

Small Victories

I know I've been progressing, and it's important for me to acknowledge my small victories.

Victory #1: I get excited and happy when I eat a cookie. Huge victory. I am hardly getting those ED thoughts of gaining a million pounds from some dessert. I eat something sweet almost daily, and it's great - and yummy.

Victory #2: My mood is improving. My boyfriend and I had a picnic over the weekend and ate our traditional picnic meal: cream cheese-and-mushroom sandwiches paired with some peanuts. Strange? Yes. Delicious? Double yes. This is a meal that would've sent me into a spiral of anxiety just a few months ago. It might be the sunnier, warmer weather along with my gains in recovery, but people are noticing my happier mood.

Victory #3: I am becoming a pro at recognizing ED thoughts. I am really starting to question: "Is this coming from God?" If it's telling me that I'm worthless, ugly, or a failure, then the answer is NO, and I am throwing those thoughts out the window. Focusing on my faith has been great. Bonus: I had my baptism on Sunday.

All in all, these are wonderful successes for my body, mind, and spirit. I am learning to be more patient with myself and quite honestly, I am finding much better things to do with my time than feel hopeless.

*Note: I wrote this blog post yesterday, and some updates are in order. These victories are great and I keep on keeping on. I had a little setback when I got really down about my body. I still have not body-checked, so that's good. However, a new medication I am taking is making me extremely nauseous and bloated. Complete horror for my recovery. My doctor told me it could take 2-3 months to get used to this medication, so I'm in this for the long haul. Yet, I've always known the road to recovery would be a  l o n g  one. :)

A Recovery Victory

I'm pushing a nine-year-old on a swing and then hopping from rock to rock in a creek. I'm jumping and running and laughing. I'm finally in my body, not in my mind.

Maybe it was the child-like splendor of my day yesterday, but I shed my insecurities and the perceived ideal of "beautiful" that was once ingrained in my head. Yesterday, I just let go and I was free.

As I pumped my legs back and forth on the swing, I was thankful that I had strong, healthy legs. I admired the strength of them, and the lovely shape from my ankles to my hips. I looked at my thighs and I liked them.

As I leapt across the rocks, avoiding the cool water below, I was thankful for my arms, which are getting stronger and stronger every day. They allowed me to keep my balance as I navigated the slippery stones to avoid splashing into the water.

As I frolicked through the trees and shrubs, I was thankful for my body, which I nourished so that I could run and play in the park with two awesome boys. This body is mine, and it's been through a lot, so I am so grateful that it helps me do activities I love, and travel to different places, and cuddle with the one I love.

I don't just want recovery, I want victory. Yesterday I felt closer than ever to it. I didn't need to body-check, I didn't need to count the calories going into my body and I didn't need to count the calories being burned. I didn't need to step on a scale, nor scrutinize my waist. I loved my body and I respected it and nourished it and thanked it.

Somewhere in my past I forgot what beauty is. It's not being stick-thin and it's not having curves. It's not wearing makeup or going bare-faced. It's not having long, flowing locks or a short, spunky hairdo. It's not wearing a pretty dress or lounging in pajamas.

It's being a person who respects herself and loves herself and cares for herself. It's spending time with others and listening to them and laughing with them and playing with them and helping them. Society tries to tell us what beauty is, but they've got it all wrong. Beauty is you and beauty is me and beauty is every woman who wakes up in the morning and lives her life as herself...not as someone our sick culture says she should be.

I'm not beautiful like you. I'm beautiful like ME. 

I Can (Almost) See Clearly Now

When you have an eating disorder, you often see things much differently than non-eating disordered people. For example, I look at my body and see things that need to be "fixed." The average person looks at me and thinks I look absolutely fine. (On a side note: our bodies are not things that need to be "fixed." We are not problems to be solved.)

So, I still have poor body image and body dysmorphia. Yet, I am trying to embrace my new body; my healthy body. I think I realized a great indicator of progress last night. I was watching a movie and I saw that one of the actresses was playing a character who was very skinny. Really skinny. Granted, this character was supposed to look that way (she was in rehab for drugs.) So, it kind of made sense that the actress looked like that. My first reaction? "Ew, she is so skinny; she looks horrible! I'm glad I don't look like that."

Was that me thinking that? Normally I would admire that actress' body; I would want to look sickly and like I just came out of the depths of hell. What is happening to me? I am recovering. :)

This is what recovery with a cat looks like, in case you were wondering.

Trying to Trust the Science!

If you know me, you know that I run screaming whenever a situation involving numbers presents itself. Throughout my school career, I was always hanging on by a thread in my math and science classes. Long division? Percentages? Fractions? DERIVATIVES?! No way. My final semester of college was spent banging my head against a wall for thinking "Rocks for Jocks" (geology class) was going to be a cakewalk. I can't look at a rock formation or a sandbox the same way anymore.

Clearly, science has never really been my thing. Yet, I recently read some scientific approaches to my illness. I was frantically looking for some kind of support in my twisted I-am-so-fat-right-now-please-can-I-just-wake-up-tomorrow-and-be-skinny-again mentality. Good ol' Google led me to some academic papers and personal journeys about anorexia and the oh-so-scary refeeding and weight restoration process.

Some tidbits that have stayed with me include:

patients with anorexia nervosa may demonstrate an abnormal distribution of body fat (lipodystrophy) that preferentially deposits fat to the trunk and away from the periphery;

After achieving a healthy weight, individuals recovering from anorexia nervosa still typically need to eat more calories to maintain their new healthy weight — more than healthy individuals of the same weight who do not have eating disorder histories;

Overall, the body composition data seem to suggest that at least 50%, and perhaps more, of weight regained is fat tissue; (trying not to freak out about that one)

To obtain the best chance of long-term weight maintenance recovery, AN patients should persist with an increased [and varied!] caloric intake treatment plan.

OK. So...I need to eat. A lot. Rather than following my recovery meal plan for a week, then restricting, then following the meal plan again, then restricting...I need to commit to recovery. My body is probably freaking out from my wonky eating patterns. No wonder! 

Recovery may be harder than actually being sick. Just goes to show you that this illness is not just a matter of "eating more." The past few weeks have been really, really difficult. As in, seek more treatment difficult. Yet, after reading the science behind this screwed up disorder, I feel a bit relieved. Yeah, I'm gaining fat, but who cares?! ED does, but my friends and family don't. A person with a healthy mind thinks I look quite "normal."

OK, that looks pretty "normal"

It's hard to shut off my eating disorder and put on my healthy-thoughts thinking cap. If anything, re-reading this post when I feel the need to restrict again might help get me through it. Plus, I've been reading a lot of stories from recovered anorexics who have made it through and can see food as something to be enjoyed, not angry at or afraid of. 

Maybe there is something to this science stuff...