Trying to Trust the Science!

If you know me, you know that I run screaming whenever a situation involving numbers presents itself. Throughout my school career, I was always hanging on by a thread in my math and science classes. Long division? Percentages? Fractions? DERIVATIVES?! No way. My final semester of college was spent banging my head against a wall for thinking "Rocks for Jocks" (geology class) was going to be a cakewalk. I can't look at a rock formation or a sandbox the same way anymore.

Clearly, science has never really been my thing. Yet, I recently read some scientific approaches to my illness. I was frantically looking for some kind of support in my twisted I-am-so-fat-right-now-please-can-I-just-wake-up-tomorrow-and-be-skinny-again mentality. Good ol' Google led me to some academic papers and personal journeys about anorexia and the oh-so-scary refeeding and weight restoration process.

Some tidbits that have stayed with me include:

patients with anorexia nervosa may demonstrate an abnormal distribution of body fat (lipodystrophy) that preferentially deposits fat to the trunk and away from the periphery;

After achieving a healthy weight, individuals recovering from anorexia nervosa still typically need to eat more calories to maintain their new healthy weight — more than healthy individuals of the same weight who do not have eating disorder histories;

Overall, the body composition data seem to suggest that at least 50%, and perhaps more, of weight regained is fat tissue; (trying not to freak out about that one)

To obtain the best chance of long-term weight maintenance recovery, AN patients should persist with an increased [and varied!] caloric intake treatment plan.

OK. So...I need to eat. A lot. Rather than following my recovery meal plan for a week, then restricting, then following the meal plan again, then restricting...I need to commit to recovery. My body is probably freaking out from my wonky eating patterns. No wonder! 

Recovery may be harder than actually being sick. Just goes to show you that this illness is not just a matter of "eating more." The past few weeks have been really, really difficult. As in, seek more treatment difficult. Yet, after reading the science behind this screwed up disorder, I feel a bit relieved. Yeah, I'm gaining fat, but who cares?! ED does, but my friends and family don't. A person with a healthy mind thinks I look quite "normal."

OK, that looks pretty "normal"

It's hard to shut off my eating disorder and put on my healthy-thoughts thinking cap. If anything, re-reading this post when I feel the need to restrict again might help get me through it. Plus, I've been reading a lot of stories from recovered anorexics who have made it through and can see food as something to be enjoyed, not angry at or afraid of. 

Maybe there is something to this science stuff...