I look good. I feel good.

It's been a bit since I last wrote, but that's because I've been living! Actually living, not playing pretend as I have done so often in the past.

Something has clicked this past week. Something has happened!

I feel normal. I have days without ED thoughts, and I am beginning to really like my body. After grubbing on some delicious pizza last night, I looked at myself and then at my boyfriend and I said, "I look good. I actually feel attractive."

I do look good. Not to sound arrogant or pompous. I have a feminine body, and I'm not afraid of it. This body eats salad, pizza, fruit, cookies, yogurt, ice cream, and so much more. It even eats sushi again! The real kind.

This body can run, lounge, jump, sleep, dance, and cuddle. This body has smoothness and curves. This body gets hungry and satisfied. This body is loved, respected, nurtured, and thanked.

This body is mine!

Has anything drastically changed with my body in the past few weeks? Not really. True, I have been adhering to a consistent pattern of eating. I have been outside more and I've been using my body more. Still, nothing ground-breaking has happened to it. It's what's happened to my mind that is more exciting.

I am accepting. I am loving. I am thankful for this body, and I embrace it. Do I have parts that jiggle and shake? Yes. Do I have parts that are thin? Yes. Do I have areas that I'm not 100% satisfied with? Yes. Do I have parts that I really love? Yes.

This isn't ED, this is real life. We all have things we wish we could change, but when it comes down to the heart of the matter, I love this body, and I don't want to hurt it ever again.

What liberation! What a tremendous sigh of relief to realize that I haven't been giving in to ED. I can't remember the last time I really questioned what I was eating. How free it feels to nourish myself and not have my entire day - my entire life - revolve around food and eating (or not eating.) What a wonderful feeling to look in the mirror and not have to body-check, not have to examine my waist or my hips or my belly. To just see that person in the mirror and be happy that she is here.

Kaitlin is here, and she is taking her life back from ED.