Why Isn't it Getting Easier?

I am pretty sure that recovery is harder than being sick. Now that I am recovering, I have to bite back when ED tries to tell me that I am worthless, fat, ugly, and not good enough. Honestly, I am getting so tired of it. Why isn't recovery getting easier?

I broke down last night. I just cried and cried. I felt so ugly; so huge. All I could see was my tummy hanging out, and bulges that never used to be there. I wanted my sick body back. I still kind of do...

But, I can't want that. How could I want that? The gray skin, the brittle hair, the sore, weak body, the jutting bones, the grotesque limbs, the constant cold, the self-hate. I don't want that again. Yet, I don't like what I have now. I don't know how to deal with a body that is bigger and heavier than it used to be. Three-quarters of my wardrobe no longer fits; I have curves that I haven't had in so long; getting dressed is a huge battle that leaves me feeling like a stuffed sausage.

I think I've had a lot of triggers lately, even if I am only realizing them now. Springtime means warmer weather, which means short sleeves, shorts, dresses, and skirts. I'm not even thinking of swimsuits at this point, because it scares the crap out of me. I feel extremely self-conscious about showing any skin; I have been covering up with sweatpants and hoodies. To top it off, my spring and summer clothes don't even fit, which makes me want to cry.

Another trigger? I have been exposed to a lot of ads and talk surrounding weight loss and "clean" eating. It's getting to me. I used to be orthorexic (extremely health-conscious) and now I'm eating things that have ingredients I would have completely shunned in the past. I had a long conversation with my boyfriend today about sugars and refined carbs...and my fear of consuming them.

The truth is, I don't feel cute, pretty, or attractive. I feel like a whale, and I feel like all I've gained is a belt of belly fat that I want to starve and exercise away. I've stayed away from body-checking, but I was suggested to just look at myself (not pulling or poking at anything on my body) and just see that I am beautiful. Could I do that? I don't know...

I also don't know where I would be without the wonderful man in my life. What other guy would do something like this for his girlfriend?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzTa9OG1Gu-GSVZLSmI0aGlkYzQ/view?usp=sharing [WARNING: This link shows models showing skin, although they have healthy, normal bodies.]

Wow. That was pretty powerful to see. My question is: why aren't these women in the mainstream? These women are beautiful; they're hot! I just feel so far from seeing my body the same way...and at this point, I am kind of stuck. I've actually been feeling this way for a few weeks, and it is not getting easier. I wish I knew a good, positive way to end this post. Some days are just really, really difficult.