Relationships are difficult, particularly destructive ones. I've been in a pretty long relationship with ED, but after 5 years of horror, I decided that we needed to break up. ED didn't take it very well. Even though I broke up with my eating disorder, it hasn't broken up with me. It still tries to tag along, no matter where I go.
I recently told my therapist that I feel as though ED is right on my heels. If I ease up or lose my momentum for just one second, ED will snatch me up in his sharp talons. I've felt ED's presence very strongly for the past few weeks. From the calorie-counting and the persistent body-checking, to the body-bashing and guilt about dessert, I know it has all been my eating disorder. So I think it's time to remember the reasons why I left ED:
1. I have much better things to do than fight with my body.
2. Self-hate just isn't OK; at any size.
3. My body has been given to me by God. It's about time I started appreciating this gift.
4. Food is good, no matter how much ED tries to tell me otherwise.
5. Without ED, I am free to discover who Kaitlin really is.
There are many more reasons why life is worth so much more than my eating disorder. ED may be tricky, but I can recognize thoughts and behaviors that are only going to lead me towards self-destruction. The path to recovery is verrrrry long, and I may currently be going through a tunnel. I've had some pretty scary thoughts and urges. On Friday I even half-acted on those urges. This alarmed two of my supports.
The idea of going back into treatment was discussed. So, I may do an intake assessment just to see what they say. Right now, my main problem is that I don't have the stamina to fight off my eating disorder, and I have such a tiny support system that it is really hard to progress. When I told some people about my lapse (and fear of it becoming a full-blown relapse,) they just shook their heads and ignored it.
Just the thought of going back to treatment is enough to make me kick it into high gear and try my very hardest. I will slam the door in ED's face and fight with all of my strength every day if I have to, because I know that going back is just not worth it.
I had some major slip-ups the past couple of weeks. It's time to stand up yet again and do this. Just keep going! Here are some things I remember to keep pushing forward:
1. I reunited with a friend this weekend and had a great lunch. Fabulous progress!
2. I am loved based on my character; not my body.
3. The more I restrict, the more my body will go all wonky once I wise up and actually start fueling my body again. Why not just bypass that horror and nourish myself now?
4. People are noticing my healthy glow, or as my mom says my "bump in the back." I have a butt now!
5. Jennifer Lawrence. I rave about her so much, it's probably a bit creepy and annoying, but oh my gosh, she's so HOT and she DOESN'T have abs nor does she wear a size zero!
Creepiness over; fighter face on!
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