With my recent physical ailments, it makes me wonder if the new changes in my eating patterns are to blame. How many of my physical problems are related to ED and how many are just "normal?" What about my intellectual and emotional challenges? The mood swings; the waves of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness; the tummy issues; trouble doing things that used to come naturally. I certainly feel more stupid than I did in high school. I can no longer multitask. Is that a side effect of ED? Or life? Or a little bit of both?
Recently, I spoke with my boyfriend about a project we want to work on together. It's his big dream; it is very important to him and he trusts me enough to help him with the writing for it. I want to do it, I really do. Yet, it seems that every time we talk about it or brainstorm, I get overwhelmed, scared, and frustrated. I hear those ugly voices in my head again - "not good enough;" "you'll mess the project up;" "stupid!;" "you're a waste of time."
These thoughts keep me back from really helping. I realize that all they do is fuel that absurd belief in the back of my mind that there is something wrong with me.
Lies!
I need to move past these thoughts. Just as I nourish my body with food so I can be strong and healthy, I need to start putting positive thoughts and ideas into my head.
I don't know the full extent of how screwed up ED has made me. It makes me sad when people think that ED is primarily a physical thing. It strikes its victims on so many levels: I get stomachaches from just a hint of spice; I need to refeed my body so my stomach can handle more than a handful of food at one time; my mind gets foggy if I need to do two things at once; I need to turn off the television or radio if I'm talking to someone; expressing my ideas is harder than it used to be; I need to drink a supplemental drink because I just can't get all my nutrients from food right now; my emotions are stabilizing but I still have days where I'm up and down several times; I haven't felt like a woman in 5 years (if you know what I mean); I get shortness of breath from the worry and who knows what else.
In spite of all that, I need to live with the consequences of starving my body for five years. I was sick for a long time; I will not get "better" after a 6-week treatment program, and I may have to live with ED thoughts and urges for the rest of my life. I can let that get to me and I can throw in the towel right now...or I can accept this life because it's mine and I can CONTINUE
MOVING
FORWARD.
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