Kind of intense, I know, but this was what I said to my boyfriend tonight as I was thinking about my own recovery from an eating disorder. After an incredibly awesome weekend, Sunday night came and ED* showed up. Food suddenly became this big bad thing; I was frightened. I was even shaking a little.
Why was it so hard to eat? Why was I afraid to? And why was this happening after I just had an amazing weekend free of symptoms? I was ravenous. My boyfriend and I made some wraps and I gobbled mine up. It tasted like the most delicious thing on earth. I finished and sat, thinking. "Why was I so hungry?!" I was angry about it!
Thank God I have Matthew to talk sense into me when ED decides to pay a visit. Assuring me that being hungry is totally normal and that my body is ready to be nourished again, he calmed me down a bit. Yet, I still felt so distressed by this feeling. I sat for a good five minutes just staring at nothing, wondering whether I needed more to eat.
There were two things running through my head: 1) eat another wrap and feel "fat," or 2) restrict myself and stop right here, and feel good. The recovering part of me knows that neither of these thoughts is healthy. My boyfriend suggested we split a wrap, but I decided not to. My reasoning? I'd rather stop here than eat half a wrap and feel like a total failure. I stood in the kitchen, trembling a little. This was scary, this was frustrating, this was insane!
This was an eating disorder.
Fortunately, I am in the recovery stages, five weeks out of treatment, and after about 30 minutes, I was able to rationally look at the situation. As I held tight to my boyfriend, I admitted that I was scared. Why did ED all of a sudden show his ugly face? I told him he's not allowed here. I was angry. So much hard work in treatment; heck, I just went to therapy this afternoon and had a great session. I was mad that ED got the best of me in that moment. But I decided to focus on the positives:
1) I was hungry, yay! This is a HUGE thing for me. After so many years of starving myself, it is still extremely difficult to recognize (or even get) hunger cues. Right now, I stick to a meal plan that has me eating at specific times. The fact that I actually felt hungry is a wonderful thing, and is showing me that my body is regulating itself and is getting out of starvation mode.
2) I nourished my body. I recently adopted a mantra: "I will not starve and deprive my body." I ate a wrap; it had cheese and beans and veggies in it. That's a pretty nice, balanced meal that will fuel my body and provide it what it needs.
3) I reached out for help. Even though I was scared out of my mind, upset and frustrated, I didn't hold that in.
This situation really made me think about ED and my recovery. Talking with my boyfriend about it, I started to tear up. I thought of all the people who have been lost because of this disorder; all of the young lives that have been ruined and taken away. I don't want that anymore.
I decided right then and there that I was going to write this blog. If I can encourage just one person with this blog, with my story, then I will consider that a victory. Recovering from ED isn't easy; and I won't always have beautiful, flowery things to say about recovery. Today was a reminder that ED will constantly be trying to knock me down, but I've come so far already. I need to look at where I've been and where I am now. Just a few hours after battling a sticky situation, I am writing this blog and I feel more stable. I've also had my evening snack and finished my supplement, and I feel absolutely fine with that. I just provided my body with what it needs to write, to love, and to live.
*I often personify my eating disorder, or ED. I know my eating disorder is not a person, or even a living thing. Yet, the personification often times makes it easier for using my coping skills, such as "shutting the door in ED's face."
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