Happy Birthday, Poppie

Today was my paternal grandfather's birthday. I always remember Poppie being lighthearted and fun to be with...I didn't spend nearly enough time with him. He died just when my eating disorder was getting really bad; I remember visiting him and shrugging off his comment that I was getting really skinny. I stood there, all skeletal, and told him I'd eat. And I continued down a path to self-destruction for another couple of years.

I had a lot of guilt about how both my grandparents passed away without seeing me embrace recovery. But I do believe that they are seeing me now, and they are happy to see me recovering. Instead of wallowing in guilt and self-pity, I am picking myself up. I am acknowledging that I have made mistakes in my past, but who hasn't? We are all forgiven.

A common trait in those struggling with ED is perfectionism and self-criticism. We beat ourselves up over the smallest things, and our all-or-nothing thinking becomes a huge monster. What a scary disorder; your own mind attacking you. Now, every time I have even the tiniest victory, I rejoice. I am doing this!

I don't really believe in dreams being some vast portal into the subconscious, but they sure are interesting, especially mine. I remember one specific dream a few years back. I was stressed out (of course!) and I had a dream in which Poppie drove up to my house in a big, shiny, aquamarine car. He was smiling and told me to hop in the car.

"I can't; I'm so busy...I have so much to do!"

He looked me in the eyes. "Kait, everything is going to be okay."

That's all I remember, but that dream has stayed with me for years. Who knows if it was anything at all, but I do send prayers up to Poppie and Grammie. I tell them I miss them, that I'm trying, that they're loved and I'm grateful for their love.

ED is a disorder that makes me sometimes feel as if nobody loves me or cares. How ridiculous! I immediately challenge those thoughts with what I know. I am loved. I am loved. I AM LOVED!

When recovery or just life seems like too much to handle, I remember that an all-or-nothing approach is only going to destroy me. I had never seen Poppie let anything get him down. Now it's my turn to be brave and fight.

Happy birthday, Pop! <3