Recovery Isn't Linear

I'm worried about myself.

Lately, it just seems that recovery has been getting more and more difficult. I was on such a great path, and things just feel as if they are spinning out of control.

I mentioned in my last post that my weight has dropped a bit. I felt good with what I was doing with food. And then I saw that stupid number, and saw that I lost some weight. Why can't I just eat like it's no big deal? Why does it have to be this big scary thing; this obstacle that I have to overcome? I feel as though other people can just eat and be and not have to worry about weight. Why does it have to be so hard for me?

I feel as though I am already struggling to eat what I'm eating daily. The thought of pushing that up to get my weight back to where it was seems so daunting. Sure, it's only a little bit that I lost, but gaining that back looks like such a struggle. So much work. I don't want to increase my eating. I really don't.

I'm worried because I want to get that number up, but I don't want to do the work it takes to do that. I can't find it in myself to increase my meal plan; I really just have meal plan fatigue. I want to be able to eat and not worry about it.

I had a moment tonight where I was "afraid" of a food. Okay, it was an oreo cookie. Harmless, right? Why couldn't I just eat the oreo? I want an oreo, I can eat the oreo. I was afraid. I voiced this concern to someone and they convinced me to eat the cookie. Just one. Nothing happened. I didn't die. I didn't feel bad about it. But I do feel "safe" for having just one. I have a scary history with these cookies; it's a bit frightening to approach them again.

Does any of this make sense? It hardly makes sense to me. I hate this disorder! It makes me feel crazy. I'm afraid of a cookie? Really?!

Tonight has shown me that recovery is not linear, and right now I feel like I am sliding down a slippery, steep slope. I'm really glad I have therapy tomorrow. I'm worried. I'm so close to stepping into ED-territory, and it's freaking me out.

I just read over what I wrote. I need to take a step back. One day at a time. I made it through today. I will make it through tomorrow. And the day after that. I don't really know how to end this post, but I don't know what the solution is right now. Clearly, I have so much recovery ahead of me. I suppose this post is more writing therapy than anything else, but it feels good to just get it out.

This disorder is so much more than food. If you know someone who is struggling, or if you struggle with ED, know that this is not your fault. There will be so many people who don't understand. It's even hard for those with ED to understand. So take it one day at a time, because even though right now is suckish for me, I know that I've been in a better place. And I can get there again.