Orthorexic Urges...and Opposing Them!

I classify myself not only as a recovering anorexic, but also an orthorexic. Someone with orthorexia has an extreme obsession with avoiding foods deemed "unhealthy." I'm that person who painstakingly examines the nutrition and ingredient labels of everything I buy in the grocery store. Today I went to the supermarket with my boyfriend, and I was reminded that I still have some work to do in this department. So I challenged myself by adding to my shopping cart a loaf of bread and some ice cream I wouldn't normally purchase.

Lately, I've been doing a good job of challenging my eating disordered behaviors. This week, I've eaten some foods that a couple of years ago would have resulted in extreme guilt, anger, frustration, and fear. As strange as it is, giving in to ED behaviors makes me feel in control (even though in the back of my mind I know ED is controlling me.) Well, I am happy to say that not only did I eat "new" foods this week, but I am alive! I am not bloated, gross, fat, nor do I feel out of control. Even eating a food that was a bit scary (it was a previous binge food) was a great success.

I am on my way to eating "normally!" I am using quotes because is there really a normal? I'm not sure. What I do know is that disordered eating is not okay, and I intend to continue moving away from ED.

I spoke a lot with my therapist and boyfriend today and explored how ED makes the simple act of eating so difficult. Eating is meant to be an enjoyable experience, not a stressful one! Not to mention, it's totally necessary in order to live life to the fullest. How sad that ED has robbed me of the joys of enjoying meals. Little by little, I feel less of a need to look over my shoulder to see ED lurking in the corner. It's such a great feeling.

I've had dessert every night this week. For dinner, I had instant ramen, which I have not eaten in YEARS. I thoroughly enjoyed these meals and I am considering this a huge step in my recovery. Even better, my body image has not been affected by these actions. I still see me and my real body, not some funhouse-mirror-style Kaitlin who is huge. This is progress!

Of course, there is still work to be done, but if I take baby steps and do something each day, then that is great. My friend used an analogy of carrying a backpack full of bricks, with the bricks representing our burdens (ED or otherwise.) Each day, try to take out a brick and lift it up to God. You can't take all of the bricks out in one day, but if you can empty the backpack little by little, you are moving forward.

This week, I've taken some very heavy bricks out of my backpack.