I Am Free

Exactly one year ago I entered treatment for Anorexia Nervosa. I’m not afraid to talk about this. I didn’t choose to have an eating disorder. I didn’t do it for attention. I didn’t think my weight loss looked good. I didn’t want to avoid my friends. I didn’t want to starve myself. I didn’t want to exercise until I thought I’d die. ED did though, and I thought ED was my biggest ally.

I was used to rejecting invitations or watching others eat while I just sat there. I was used to looking sick and being antisocial. I was complacent with this illusion of control; feeling this strange mixture of superiority and defeat every time I pushed the boundaries of my extreme restriction. I was empty. So ED filled me and told me I could control my weight, and thus, my happiness and self-worth.

After 5 years of being a slave to my eating disorder, I met someone who made me want to change; really change. And on December 15, 2014 at 5:30pm, I walked into Renfrew and started my journey to recovery. Some people close to me assumed I could just start eating and I’d be okay. They would actually ask me “Aren’t you better yet? I thought you got over that.” Or “You eat now, you must be healthy again.” The food is just a small part of an eating disorder.

I had to retrain my stomach to hold food; I had to force myself to drastically cut down on exercise. I had to try so hard not to body-check every time I went to the bathroom mirror. I sat through so many nights just crying from the physical and emotional pain. I could literally feel my stomach expanding each time I had a meal. It felt disgusting. I’d be nauseous, I’d be constipated, I’d be moody as hell. I’d hate myself for being “weak” and eating. I’d hate the slice of pizza sitting in front of me. I’d hate it because it tasted so good but “it would make me fat.” I hated the cheese, I hated the crust, I hated the grease leaking onto the plate in a small puddle. I hated that other people could just eat pizza and laugh and smile and then eat another slice! I was furious.

I sat in front of several therapists. We dug around for all the skeletons, brushing cobwebs off of all the experiences of my past. Sometimes I just sat there wondering if this was even helping. Other times I cried my eyes out. Once in group therapy I expressed my desire to just be through with ED. “I just can’t wait until I’m fully recovered and ED’s not a thing anymore. That’s why I’m here.” Then I learned that ED never really goes away; you just choose to ignore ED.

Recovery isn’t a straight path. There were times I knew my thoughts were totally skewed and irrational, but they were my safety net. “I won’t eat this, but I’ll eat that.” “I just need to walk around the block 10 times to work off that piece of bread.” In fact, I was fine with my perception of “normal,” and it wasn’t until I was deeply invested in someone else that I decided I wanted (and had to) make a change.

Of course it was terrible. It was also wonderful. I counted every small step. I celebrated the tiny victory of eating ice cream (and eventually I no longer worried about the calories and fat in it.) I started noticing how much healthier I looked. I had to surround myself with body positivity, and in a society like ours…that was really tough. I had to ignore the ads and articles promising to help me “lose 10 pounds in 2 days.” I had to filter the body-shaming and fat-talk that so many people engage in on a daily basis, sometimes without even realizing it. I had to challenge my own thoughts. Literally, I had a journal where I would write down my thoughts and then jot down the reality next to it. For example:

            Thought: I look like a pregnant cow.

            Reality: You’ve put on weight, yes. But you are still underweight!

I had to read blogs from others who have gone through ED. Does this permanent food baby ever go away? Will I ever have a normal digestive system? Will I always get full from just a few bites of food? If it hadn’t been for others sharing their recovery journeys, I don’t know if I would’ve been able to go on. So I hope my story can help to encourage someone to seek recovery from an eating disorder or even prevent one in the first place.

I made a list of my positive qualities; none of them related to my physical appearance. I joined a support group. I journaled. I prayed. I “graduated” from Renfrew (because saying “I was discharged” sounds so gross.) Even after going through an Intensive Outpatient Program, I still had a long way to go. There were tears and outbursts and so much frustration. Yet I remember always thinking

“Oh my goodness; I did this to myself.”

So now I wake up every morning and I think about how I’m going to love my body today. I spent 5 years killing my body…overworking it, starving it, hating it, insulting it. So I made a promise to my body NEVER TO HURT IT AGAIN. EVER. The few months after treatment, I would still have urges. Just to skip a meal or to do some extra exercise or to entertain that negative thought. No big deal, right? Well I knew what would happen if I allowed myself to do something that was “no big deal.” I would get flushed down a swirling toilet bowl of self-hatred and self-destruction. So if I ever felt those urges, I told someone I trusted and they helped me get through it.

There were definitely positives to all of this hardship. I got to experience the goodness of food again. After years of eating a limited variety of food, I was tasting things for what seemed like the first time. Then I started laughing more. Wow, it felt so good to laugh. To really laugh. Then I felt loved. So loved.

The negatives? Regret. The regret that I broke so many friendships because ED was more important to me. Isolating myself became my go-to coping mechanism. If I hid away maybe nobody would know just how messed up I was. Anger. I was angry that nobody in high school or college tried harder to help me get better, even though I know at that point I would’ve just gotten really mad and denied I had a problem. I was angry at myself for spending 5 years in a destructive relationship with myself. That might be the worst part about having an eating disorder; you can’t trust yourself. You give so much effort to be in control of your life without even realizing that you are being controlled by this ugly monster inside of you. Finally, there is the sadness. I was sad that I lost friends, opportunities, and experiences. Sad that I spent some of “the best years of my life” stuck in a war with myself. Sad that there are people out there who will always remember me as “that anorexic girl in school.”

I must focus on the positives.

In the past few months, I’ve looked in the mirror and actually said to myself “You look great!” My eyes don’t immediately go to my tummy or my thighs. I notice the life in my eyes, my wider smile, my shinier hair, my more radiant skin. Even when I do look at my other body parts, I see health. Arms that aren’t the same width all the way up. I have hips now, and a butt! Oh, and the food baby does go away, given enough time (lots of time.) I’m firm in some places and soft in other places and for the first time in a long time, I actually feel like a young woman.

My body can dance and jump and skip and accept hugs without breaking. I eat chocolate and meat and all sorts of yummy food. I feed my body so that it can do all of the things I love to do. I have a healthy relationship with exercise. I lounge on the couch and do nothing. I have days where I eat a lot and days where I eat a little. I have days when I feel like rocking a dress because I look hella good. I have days where I wear sweats because I feel “meh.” I can sit in a chair without my backside hurting after 5 minutes. I can talk a walk and enjoy it without thinking about calorie burn. I can eat those foods that once were my “challenge foods” and not even think twice about it. I can try on clothes without paying attention to the size tag. I can accept a compliment. I can go about my day with an energy that I haven’t felt in a long time. I can be hugged around my waist and not feel self-conscious about having fat on my body. I talk about my feelings. I share. I’m phasing myself out of an antidepressant. I’m engaged.

And I freaking LOVE pizza.

Grateful

It's always interesting to take a step back and just soak in all that we really have. Sometimes it surprises me how much I keep wishing for something better, better, better. So yesterday I thought I'd humor myself and just recall my day and see just how fortunate I am. Here's what happened.

7am: Hm...I'm running low on yogurt. I'll go get some more. I'm grateful that I have money and I can choose what I want to eat, rather than just hunting and gathering for whatever I can find.

11am: I'll walk to the grocery store. It's only about a 20-minute walk. Oh, and it starts raining right when I walk outside, haha. I'm grateful I have this umbrella and access to a grocery store that has loads of food for my every food-related desire. I'm grateful that all I have to do is walk 20 minutes to reach a market that is filled with more food options than is really necessary. Really, I could stand there for a half hour deciding which apples to buy.

11:30am: With these grocery bags, I'll take the trolley home. The stop is right behind the grocery store anyway. I'm grateful for public transportation, even though it can be annoying at times. 

4pm: Wow, I'm getting tired of sitting here doing work on my computer. I need to get up and move! It's kind of wet and cold out though...hm...I'll do some jumping jacks!! That'll get me amped up. I'm grateful that I have a place to live that is warm and cozy and dry. I'm grateful that I have this computer. It allows me to do work, make money, and learn new things. And I'm grateful that I have a lifestyle that allows me to work from home and be comfortable and sit down. Some people would kill for that. And I'm grateful that I have this awesome body which is now healthier and happier and able to do jumping jacks. And I'm grateful that I am now mentally healthy enough to do some jumping jacks without taking it to the extreme.

6pm: Work is over and it's time for something fun! I'm going to sketch! I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to do that; stop working and enjoy leisure time. Some people have to work and work and work some more just to put food on the table. I'm grateful that I have hobbies that I love and that I have time to do them. 

6:30pm: Nothing like sketching and listening to music. I'm grateful for music. It soothes my soul and makes me happy. I'm so happy I feel like it's a drug!! How wonderful to be able to just sit here and draw and listen to music and be happy. Some people do not have this luxury.

9pm: I'm going to relax in bed now. I want to get a good night's sleep and feel well-rested tomorrow. I'm grateful for my warm bed, my blankets, and the fact that I can actually get 8+ hours of sleep each night. Zzzzzz.......

Okay, so my life is not a fairy-tale. Yet while I was writing this, I realized how much I have to be grateful for. I have food, shelter, friends, a job. And while I sometimes complain about these things, I really am appreciative. I don't have a car, a high-paying job, or a big house. And I'm totally cool with that. There's nothing wrong with having those things, as long as we don't let them distract us from missing out on life.

Take That, Emotions!

I've been noticing a pattern in the past couple of weeks.

I'm more content. I'm stable, I'm better able to handle my emotions. I'm looking at things in a more positive way. Plus, why shouldn't I be feeling good? I've got a spectacular fiance! And while most of my day-to-day happenings haven't changed much, I am certainly changing. And I think that's a good thing!

Just yesterday I put my coping skills to the test. I felt myself getting irritable and frustrated with someone for no reason at all. I recognized that feeling, nipped it in the bud, and told myself "hey, you're getting worked up right now over nothing. So take a chill pill and do something you like." So I started writing. Ta-da! Meltdown averted!

And it's not just me noticing these positive changes. It feels great to be able to be with people I care about and have positive interactions throughout my day. I'm even feeling better at work (for the past couple of months I've actually decided to start caring about work. Who would've thought that would be so...HELPFUL?!)

I also realized that ED thoughts have been miles away lately. I'm feeding my body awesome food and I'm moving it and taking care of it. When it wants to rest, I rest. When it wants to move around, I get up and at 'em. Oh, thank you body, for being so wonderful. I'll never deliberately hurt you again!

Really though, recovery has been great. I'm seeing so many improvements that it's bringing a smile to my face. No worries about getting to a proper "wedding weight;" no issues with cooking and eating with my fiance; less feelings of inadequacy when I see images of 'ideal bodies.'

I challenge you to find one area of your life where you can be more positive. Is it at work? With your relationship? With your family? With yourself? You may surprise yourself with the changes you can make.

Things I'm Worried About But Shouldn't Be

Do you ever find yourself dealing with that strange feeling that something is wrong? I have this needling itch in the back of my mind that something is just off today. Sounds like the perfect time to call out my cognitive distortions and put my coping skills to the test!

Worry: My stomach hurts; I probably ate something crappy and now my body is punishing me. Yuck. Hopefully this bloaty, upset stomach feeling will go away soon.

Worry: I'm looking for jobs. Well, this stinks.

Worry: I should really start planning that wedding, huh?

Worry: Am I the only one who doesn't have it together?

Worry: I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential. I sure as hell hope I don't die today, because I would be so utterly disappointed.

Worry: What if I never get to travel the world like I've always dreamed?

Worry: What if all this writing is going to waste? Am I dumb for wishing I could actually do this for life?

Worry: What if I never achieve any of my dreams and life goals?


Wow, those are a lot of worries and "what if" statements. Anyone else give in to "what if" statements? Yeah, I thought so. Represent!

But not really. Now that I've got those worries written down, I already feel a bit better. I took some Pepto-Bismol and got that tummy-ache out of the way. I know that I feed my body nutritious delicious yumminess and I know that I make sure to move it everyday. I'm searching for jobs and that is what I need to keep doing. When an opportunity presents itself and my heart feels right, I go for it. And if it falls through, then I know there is something else out there for me. We're going to visit the wedding venue on Saturday. And I know that I am definitely not the only one who doesn't have it together!

That takes care of the first few worries, but what about the last four? Those are biggies; and I'm not sure what the definitive answer is. Maybe there isn't one? I do know that one of my biggest fears is not living up to what I can truly be. I'm terrified of wasting the years away without learning, growing, loving, giving, sharing, experiencing, building...

So what do I do? Is it as easy as getting motivated and just doing it? I don't think so, but it's a good place to start. I think we all worry about these things (in varying degrees of urgency) and the best thing to do is just go for it. Not just blindly go about achieving your hopes and dreams without any planning or deliberation or whatnot; but at the same time we shouldn't just throw in the towel because it looks too difficult.

I'm a big believer in writing out what you want to do. For me, when I write it down, I feel more accountable to it, even if nobody sees the note I wrote but me. Having some kind of visualization of that goal, even if it is just a sentence or two, helps to push me forward. And that is part of why I blog. This post is titled 'Things I'm Worried About But Shouldn't Be' and it pertains to all of the worries I listed. At the end of the day, I'm gonna be a warrior, not a worrier.

Relationships

Today I've been reflecting on relationships.

For the longest time I was that girl who didn't want a romantic relationship. Or rather, I did, but it was just not worth it. I could dream and imagine the perfect boyfriend I'd have; how he'd say all the right things and do cute little things for me and we'd take silly pictures while having a picnic.

In the back of my mind, I never really thought such a thing would happen. I mean, everyone's got issues and nobody is perfect. I actually prefer it that way. Yet even though I accepted that people are flawed creatures, I still didn't want to get wrapped up in a romance with anyone. That would be horrible!

Did I mention I'm engaged?*

Anyway, by the time my last year of high school rolled around, I had totally given up on the whole dating thing. So much so, that my mom even asked me once if I was into guys. Yesssss...but, meh, too much work, effort, and time. So I continued on my solo journey through life straight into college. Where there were crushes, and romantic tension, and even a relationship that I'm still even sure why I had in the first place. And there was me chasing others and others chasing me and all the while I had no idea what was going on. Was this love? What in the world was this? If this is what romance is, I'm out. No thank you. No way, Jose.

So I graduated single. I was happy with that. I could travel, I could do my thing, I could go off on adventures without a guy holding me back. Heh. That started to get old. I found myself wanting to have a close relationship with someone, but the thought of that was scary. This person would have to know the true me: my secrets, my hopes, dreams, fears, successes, failures...goodness, I can barely keep up with myself; how was someone else supposed to keep up with me?!

The only explanation I can come up with is God. I believe that my fiance and I are together because we were placed into each other's lives. And might I add, the timing couldn't have been better. Do I believe there is a "soulmate" for everyone? No, not really. I think I could very well have been with someone else and happy. But I don't want to be with someone else. I love this person more than I ever thought possible. I just can't see how this pairing could've just been coincidence.

Yesterday, Matthew and I had a misunderstanding. Nothing serious; just a scuffle about our differing interests. And I'm glad it happened. I loved the way we handled it and I love that we keep growing and communicating and respecting each other. Instead of walking away angry or yelling at each other, we sat down and talked about it. And within 15 minutes, we were happy and cuddly. Of course, not every disagreement is going to end like that, but I was thrilled that yesterday went so well. And I love that Matthew and I disagree about stuff. I love that there are things that annoy us about each other. Why? Because it would be so boring if we had everything in common! I don't want to marry myself!

I'm still a bit in disbelief that I have a fiance. I have someone I want to spend the rest of my life with and to share my life with, to share everything with! I thought I was selfish and destined to be alone! I guess not...because I've learned that relationships do indeed take a lot of work, whether they're romantic or not. I have a very small circle of friends (both my "outer circle" and my "inner circle.") And I think that's okay. I value my relationships so much; I take them seriously. I want to be surrounded by people who build me up, teach me, share with me, inspire me, challenge me to be the best I can be. And I want to do the same for them. And I have lots of inner turmoil related to that, and that's my fault, not theirs.**

When did friendships become a game of one-upping each other? When did marriages become dreaded fates that our college buddies get dragged into? When did parents become burdens that we have an obligation to call every month or so? I'm not saying everyone thinks this, but the patterns I've seen lately have been reminding me of how little value we place on relationships. And I'm guilty of it, too!

So maybe my friends can expect to get a phone call or an email sometime soon. I believe that we are meant to lift each other up. Sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on and sometimes we are that shoulder. Sometimes we want to share our successes with others and sometimes we're congratulating others on their triumphs. Sometimes we need to be told that we're veering in the wrong direction and sometimes we need to guide others. Instead of seeing relationships as bothersome duties, why don't we be grateful for them?

*To a guy who does indeed love picnics.
**And that's a completely other story.

A Millennial's Dilemma

I read an interesting article today that really opened up my mind. It challenged some of my misconceptions about my own generation. Crazy, right?! This article was a rather good argument against the reputation millennials have as being lazy, stupid, self-obsessed, lacking values, and having no direction in life.

I must be honest: in a way, I was a bit judgmental of today's twenty-somethings. As if my friends weren't evidence enough that there are young people out there who are fabulous globally-aware citizens, I somehow adopted the attitude that my generation was "doomed." We use social media way too much, we'd rather text than call, and popular music nowadays is overflowing with sex, riches, and more sex.

But wait! What if millennials aren't a one-size-fits-all kind of group? What if we were a generation that is innovative, challenged, and ambitious, and -gasp- responsible? Here's the perspective I gained after some careful consideration:

Millennials are lazy. Hang on a second. Aren't many of us going to college (or already out of college?) Last time I checked, higher education required a lot of hard work. Plus, with the financial disaster bestowed upon us, many of us have had to work while going to school, giving us excellent time-management skills and a sense of responsibility. Moreover, with all of the competition out there, young adults have had to work extremely hard to make themselves look appealing on their transcripts. That means getting good grades in school, doing extracurricular activities, getting part-time jobs, and engaging in volunteer work. That doesn't sound lazy to me.

Millennials are stupid. Say what? Most of us have enough technological know-how to navigate a webpage in Japanese with our hands tied behind our back. We're exposed to so many topics during high school and college that weren't even a possibility for our parents. We can take a course on survivalist skills or the portrayal of women in literature throughout the centuries or ancient religions. We have loads of educational resources available to us, be it documentaries, podcasts, TED talks, digital encyclopedias, and scholarly databases. Stupid? Hah!

Millennials are self-obsessed. Hm, it's easy to see why someone might say this. Yet with the emphasis that many schools place on volunteer work, most millennials have learned just how important it is to help their neighbor. Plus, just because someone is using their phone or laptop, it doesn't mean they're glossing through Facebook feeds and tweets. The Internet is a wonderful tool that has allowed countless organizations and student-run initiatives to flourish. And those apps and social networks that we use so much are great places to collaborate, learn and share ideas, and find new connections and jobs.

Millennials lack values. Not so. Yes, it is very easy to become numb to the flagrant nudity, cursing, and sexuality that we see in the media, but that doesn't mean that we're all in agreement with it. I know many young people who would rather read up on current events or apply for scholarships and jobs or connect with new people. And by the way, my church is made mostly of young families and millennials.

Millennials have no direction. On the contrary, we have been brought up to know damn well where we're going, especially because we were born into a society where healthcare, education, and the distribution of wealth are so out of whack. It's not so easy anymore; we can go to college, but many of us end up spending 4 years studying for a job that we're not even sure is going to exist when we graduate. We start seeking out opportunities in middle school to pursue our interests and rack up experience so that we can get a decent job and start paying off those student loans. We network with people and seek new experiences so that we can gain new skills and friendships. We're putting off marriage and children because we want to focus on creating a firm foundation so as to be financially, emotionally, and mentally ready for that new stage of life.

Now I can see that millennials aren't all that bad. We all know that we shouldn't discriminate, and that includes age discrimination as well.

Just a Few of My Favorite Things

Happy Monday and welcome, November. This is one of my least favorite months...it starts to get cold, the trees lose their leaves, and there is loads of talk about football. Even though there's Thanksgiving, I'm not crazy about the holiday (more football and way too much food, most of which I don't even like that much.)

But enough complaining! I had a fabulous weekend and I'm ready to start the month with loads of positive vibes. So I'm going to share some of the inspiring quotes that I've read recently and I hope that maybe one or two of them will help to cheer you up or make your bright mood even brighter.

Repeat after me: 
         I am stronger than this challenge. And this challenger 
              is making me even
                    stronger.


It is a shame for a woman to grow old without ever seeing the strength and beauty of which her body is capable.


Be present.


If you walk only on sunny days you'll never reach your destination.


I have decided to be happy because it is good for my health.


Exercise to be fit, not 'skinny'
     Eat to nourish your body
          Ignore the doubters and unhealthy examples that were once feeding you. 
     You are worth more than you realize.


Happy Monday, everybody.

You're Doing Something Right

Hey you. Yes, you!

Do you feel as though you're just completely horrible at life? Do you wake up in the morning and just think "I don't wanna 'adult' today"? Is money, family, relationships, and work getting you down?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then boy, do I have good news for you.

You're doing something right! Yes, your life is not a total disaster and you're going to be okay. So sit back, relax, and get ready to be amazed at just how wonderful you really are!

1. You are so past that phase where your relationships are empty and meaningless. You know what you look for in a friend, and you surround yourself with people who support you. And you support them, too!

2. You don't have millions of dollars, but that hasn't stopped you from having loads of experiences. Every day can be an adventure if you put your mind to it.

3. You know how to reach out to people and form lasting relationships. Good on ya!

4. You've overcome a ton of hardships and you haven't let them stop you from living.

5. You have learned to let go. No, I don't mean just letting go of your hopes and dreams and giving up. I mean you've learned to let go of the people and habits that drag you down. It's good to know who supports you and also who doesn't support you.

6. You can look in the mirror and appreciate the person looking back at you.

7. You can speak positively to yourself and give yourself a break. There are enough critics in the world; give yourself a compliment!

8. You're okay with making mistakes. Again, no need to beat yourself up. Nobody's perfect.

9. You know how to love and be loved. And that there are different kinds of love.

10. You've learned to embrace change. It is totally natural, after all.

11. You've accepted that some things just don't work out. And that's okay. You focus more on solutions rather than failures.

12. You accept your friends and loved ones, and even yourself. Maybe they're not perfect and you're not perfect and that's perfectly fine!

13. You've traded in that microscope for a panoramic view. Instead of criticizing every minute detail, you've learned to focus on the bigger picture.

14. You can genuinely be happy for other people...even when things aren't going so well for you.

15. You accept your feelings and you're okay with not feeling happy 100% of the time. Really, nobody is happy all the time.

16. You've discovered your interests and you pursue them. You're crazy about crossword puzzles? Cool, own that!

17. You can accept a compliment. Give yourself some credit!

18. You don't get bogged down by the past or the future. Wherever you are right now, you're fully there.

19. You set goals and achieve them. Note: a goal doesn't have to be massive. Maybe you applied to a job today or you called an old friend. Kudos!

20. You are an active listener and you actually care about other people's problems. You don't just "nod and smile." Instead, you try to help others out.

21. You make sure to do something you love each and every day. Be it crossword puzzles, a bike ride, or a favorite video game.

<3

When I Grow Up...

It's the question we all seem to struggle with at some point in our lives: "What am I going to do when I grow up?" It's a heavy question. First of all, when are we "grown up"? And second, what exactly do we mean by "going to do"? Are we talking about a job? A career? An ultimate life dream?

I've struggled with this question a lot throughout the past few years. I've dabbled in teaching, writing, art, and Spanish. I've even worked in sales (which was a huge disaster). I'm a 24-year-old with a Bachelor's degree in Art and Spanish and I still don't really know what I want to do when I "grow up".

Which is kind of scary considering I'm engaged to be married.

How about this: I want to write about my interests; I want to travel and share those experiences with others; I want to educate people about eating disorders and mental illness; I want to share the goodness and power of God. Does that job exist? (I'm still waiting for an answer to that one!)

Isn't it about time we focused more on just being us, and not what the norms of this society tell us to be? Somewhere along the line we've decided that there is one ideal path: get a good job, make a lot of money, start a family, be awesome. Oh, and not to mention the other goals, such as have a perfect body, be happy all the time, own the latest technology, have a car, be the boss of your own life, pat yourself on the back for being so awesome.

Hmm, call me a rebel, but I'll pass. Don't get me wrong, I have goals. Plenty of goals. And there are people who really do want to become bosses and have a great family and finally get their dream car. And that's totally okay. I'm just fine with going at my own pace, and in a world where it seems as though everyone is racing to surpass everyone else, that's a bit intimidating. I've blogged before about how I feel behind my peers and former classmates. Yet I've realized that this is okay.

Everyone's path is different. That's the cool thing...we're all given this life and different talents and capabilities and our paths intertwine and we learn from each other and we teach other and most of all we love and support each other. Or at least, I like to think that we do.

So, what do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be Kaitlin; the best Kaitlin that I can be. Loving, kind, creative, funny, poetic, silly, adventurous, intelligent, dreamy, faithful, supportive, loyal, trusting, vulnerable, forgiving, open, curious, healthy.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

How Much is Too Much "Alone Time"?

About a year ago my fiance and I came up with the nickname "Kit Kat" for me. The thing is, it's more associated with a cat than a candy bar. I can be sweet, but I can also scratch. You see, I absolutely LOVE being alone. So much so that I think it's become a bit of a problem. Or...more than a bit of a problem.

Why do I like being alone so much? Because I can do things on my terms. I cook for myself. I do activities that I want to do. I listen to my favorite music. I wake up and go to bed when I want. And there's no annoying chitter-chatter ringing in my ears. It's all me and it's all good.

I realize how selfish that is.

How did this happen? Well, I spent a lot of time alone during college. I loved not having a room mate because I was a very atypical college student. I didn't like to go to parties or drink alcohol or be in a crowd. I now know that college isn't all about partying and drinking, but back then I sort of adopted this attitude that I was "above that." 

I realize how selfish that is.

Why is it a problem? Isn't it obvious? I've been distancing myself from others and isolating myself for so long. Now being alone is not only normal for me; it's my preferred state of being. But guess what? I'm getting married. I'm going to be living with another person all the time. We're going to do a lot of things together: cook, eat, sleep, rest, etc. And while my fiance knows that I need my quiet/alone time, there are still going to be times where he'll want to be with me. And that's totally fine; I want to be with him too! Except when I don't want to be.

I realize how selfish that is.

So my question is: how do I become social again? I kind of know what I need to do, but I'm just not pushing myself to do it. We really do spend our time doing things that we value, and for me, those things are very solitary: reading, writing, art, cooking. Even bicycling I prefer to do alone. But I also value my fiance, and I think I can start with letting go of "me, me, me" and focus on the relationship of "us". 

Wish me luck.

Keep Calm and Own Those Jeans!

I'm sitting here wondering why my tummy is feeling a bit upset. Then I unbuttoned my pants.

Ah, much better.

A year ago, this would've sent me into a downward spiral of adopting a restrictive diet and an insanely impossible workout routine. And copious amounts of stress. Now? I'm just gonna change into another pair of pants. Even though I really like these ones! They're my awesome yellow jeans!

They're also the awesome yellow jeans that were too big for me a year ago. That's because I was severely underweight and living an unhappy and unfulfilled life. Even though I thought I was happy, I was being controlled by an ugly eating disorder.

Now I actually care about myself. Do I still exercise? Yeah, but I have a healthy relationship with exercise. Do I eat? Um, heck yes! Just take this morning as an example. I had the most awesome brekkie ever:

Egg and Oatmeal Scramble, topped with avocado, salsa, and cheese (really, you have to try this.)

I just changed into another pair of jeans (these ones are orange, go figure) and I feel awesome. I'm beautiful and my pant size is not the indicator of that. Although I must admit...

I look REALLY good in these jeans! So no matter your pant size, own it! Because at the end of the day, no one really cares what kind of clothes you're wearing; how big or how small they are. They care about who you are: loving and loved; caring and cared for; beautiful inside and out.

Happy Friday, everyone!

A Post for Girl Power

Today I was inspired by two young women. One of them I knew personally while the other was someone I don't know too much about. Their stories are different, but at the heart they are pretty similar.

The first woman is someone I met while in college. She's pursuing her passion for makeup, and she's crazy-good at it! She's already created loads of makeup looks, from pretty and polished to scary and seething and everything in between. I am so proud of her for finding such a creative outlet to make her own. I know that it's been a tough road for her and she has finally found something that she loves and can share with others. Actually, you can check her out here.

The second woman is a young celebrity. Normally I'm not much for stalking the media or keeping tabs on anybody, and it's only by chance that I've been noticing this girl. She's been making waves across some different websites I follow and you can find the article that inspired me to write this post here. Yes, it's Zendaya! Now, I don't really know too much about this young lady, but I do know that she has been making waves for her eloquence and standing up for what's right. You've gotta hand it to her; she totally called out that fashion magazine for photoshopping her perfectly-fine body.

So what do these two stories have in common? These are two young women who are not afraid to be themselves. My friend is pursuing her passion even with limited resources and supplies. Zendaya is being a good role model in an industry that worships idealism. Both of them are being uniquely them.

When You Sweat the Small Stuff

Apparently it’s the National Day of Writing or whatever. Too bad I barely want to write. I’m dealing with this looming question mark hanging over my head…

To have a wedding or not to have a wedding. Major stressing about money and my lack thereof. Wedding bands, a venue, food…who to invite and who not to invite. Who will officiate? How much will all this cost? I don’t like this feeling.

I spoke to Matthew and I know that he wants something special. Not extravagant, but something more than a party that can be planned in a weekend. As for me, I’d love to just have a party and exchange vows during it. Boom! Married. No fuss.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to have a ceremony, too. I’m just worried about finances, and I know that I need to just drop that and just focus on what’s important: I’m going to marry the love of my life.

To keep this short (and bittersweet), I’ll finish up with reflecting on an article I read about Oprah. Yes, Oprah. She was talking about some cool people she’s met, including this one young person who passed away and spoke about how simple life actually was. It’s not about amassing material possessions or having all your dreams come true. It’s about relationships. With God, with family, with friends. With yourself. 

The Dress is Here

Not to be a hyper-excited bride-to-be, but my dress arrived today! Yes, I got engaged 8 days ago, but this little number was selected beforehand. I knew I was frugal and preferred the simpler things in life, but I never expected to spend so little on a wedding dress. Granted, it is more like a cocktail dress than a ball gown, but that's what I like. I think it sets the tone for a fun and festive wedding, which is what my fiance and I plan to have.

I wish I had a photo, but alas, not right now. I can't figure out how to fix my computer's camera and I'm still living in the dumbphone realm. So you will have to wait for pictures, mwuhahaha! I can still describe it to you though.

It hits just above the knee (maybe higher, if you ask my mom), and it has a high neckline with lace detail. It has short, capped sleeves and a slender bodice. I'm making these fancy terms up as I go along, so ...

Surprisingly, it was tight in the chest area (very surprising to me!) so I'll need to take it to a tailor, but I wasn't really expecting to be able to just slip it on and have it be perfect.

So, one of the most important aspects of my wedding is just about figured out. Matthew and I are doing everything we can to make this wedding ASAP (that is, As Simple As Possible). Who knew I would be planning my own wedding? This was not part of the plan I had for my life. I was supposed to be single for a long time, doing my own thing and loving it. Now I have a fiance and we're planning a life together forever.

And I couldn't be happier.

Always Double-Check the Locks

Today I learned that you should always ALWAYS double-check the locks on your doors. I visited a new church with my fiance and his family. The church was great, but I will probably not be returning there for at least a month or so. Let me explain.

If you know me, then you're aware that I always have an unquenchable thirst. Really, it's nearly impossible for me to sate my parched mouth. People have even asked me if I have diabetes or something. I have just accepted that I will be forever plagued with this insatiable thirst. Alas, such is my fate. That and a resting face that looks like a scowl.

Anyway, I brought a thermos of coffee with me and I was quickly guzzling through it. About three-quarters through the service, I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to get a drink. Obviously I had spotted a water source as soon as I walked into the church. Strangely enough, I hadn't scoped out a restroom, although I knew that it would most likely be near the water fountain. 

So, I slipped out into the main lobby during worship, thermos-in-hand (I had of course chosen a seat at the end of the aisle) and I almost immediately found the restroom. Yes, I was right; it was in the same location as the water fountain. It was a single-person bathroom, and the door was clearly ajar, so I just walked right in. 

No worries, it was empty. And nice, I gotta say. You can tell a lot from a place by the way they treat their bathrooms. I mean, it's a great place to reflect and be still. Makes sense for a church to have a nice restroom, am I right? 

I only had to make a quick visit here. It wasn't even 11 am yet, but I had already downed about 2 liters of water AND some coffee. So, I had to go. As I mentioned, it was a very neat and tidy restroom, and I once heard that "if it's neat, take a seat". So I did just that. 

Now I was full of liquid here, so sitting was a good idea. Squatting would've been a nice workout, though. All of a sudden, the door swings open and I'm staring straight into the eyes of some middle-aged dude.

Trauma.

He quickly apologizes and closes the door. I'm like a deer in headlights. What was I to do? Spring to my feet and close the door? Just sit there and try to cover up? Before I knew it, he was out of sight. Good.

And ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, another guy opens the door. This dude was older than the first guy and looked seriously freaked out. What in the world? Do people here not know that you should knock before you open the door to a restroom? 

Forget about finishing my business, I just try to get out of there as quickly as possible. I practically pounce on the door handle and click the lock. Apparently the click I heard the first time wasn't the lock. Hmph. I wash my hands and get out of there.

I'm so freaked out that I forget to flush the toilet, so I backtrack and do so while the restroom door is open. At this point I don't even care if anyone hears it. I peek my head around the corner to check if the two intruders are there, but the lobby is totally deserted. The coast is clear.

I slink back to my seat, grab my fiance's hand, lean over, and whisper in his ear. "We can never come back to this church again." He gives me a puzzled look and I explain what happens. He holds back a laugh and says that I have to tell his parents. It's just too ridiculous. 

Service ends 5 minutes later, and I tell them about it. We share a laugh, but I'm still traumatized and vow that the only way I can return to this church (that I actually really liked) is to cut my hair a new way or something. Everyone assures me that it'll all be okay. The restroom invaders will forget about it soon enough. 

I have an easier time believing that than I do the fact that men don't knock before entering a restroom. May this be a lesson to us all.

Calling Out Old Triggers

I have felt on fire these past two weeks. I wake up, I eat, I play, I talk, I pray, I live. Life is no longer a chore; something that I should do because I'm still here. It has much more meaning, and I firmly believe it's an answer to prayer.

It's been a bit surreal seeing life without my ED glasses. It is almost a game; spotting the things that once triggered me so much. It breaks my heart to know that I used to slowly kill myself with starvation because I saw someone or heard something that applauded our absolutely absurd ideals of beauty.

Some reactions I've had in the past few days:

*While watching The Little Mermaid:
Me: "Ariel needs a normal waist! She's "pretty," but I like my waist" (Did I really say I liked my waist? Yes, I did! Awesome!) Matthew: "Yeah, and why is her hair so bouncy after jumping out of the ocean?" (Good point.)

*While walking past a clothing store window:
Me: "No wonder we're screwed up; that mannequin has no room for internal organs!"

*While watching a TV comedy:
Character: "I have a lot on my plate. And I don't mean that literally."
Another character: "Oh, I know tons of ways to make someone throw up."
Yet another character: "I can handle babysitters. I chew them up and spit them out. Just like I do with my food." (Really?!?! Totally insensitive...)

Now, I know I can't live in a world that is totally perfect and free of triggers. There are plenty of times when I make fun of my "trigger warnings," because it really is absurd. I know the media is not to entirely to blame for eating disorders or distorted body image or low self-esteem. However, the media is certainly not helping.

Without a whole lot of reality-checking, thought-challenging, and a decent support system, it is extremely easy for people like me to fall into the trap of thinking what society tells us is how we really should be. Fortunately, I have been gaining a lot of confidence and becoming quite skilled in filtering the garbage from the truth. Just looking at the progress I've made in 6 months; 3 months; 1 month...it's incredible!

Just a year ago I was having some kind of crisis; I felt so lost and alone. I feel very blessed to have this life, and to be given a second chance. Life after ED. Living according to truth, not lies! Life with people who love me and care for me and help me. I hope to do the same for them. I want to focus on that, rather than on triggers.

I look good. I feel good.

It's been a bit since I last wrote, but that's because I've been living! Actually living, not playing pretend as I have done so often in the past.

Something has clicked this past week. Something has happened!

I feel normal. I have days without ED thoughts, and I am beginning to really like my body. After grubbing on some delicious pizza last night, I looked at myself and then at my boyfriend and I said, "I look good. I actually feel attractive."

I do look good. Not to sound arrogant or pompous. I have a feminine body, and I'm not afraid of it. This body eats salad, pizza, fruit, cookies, yogurt, ice cream, and so much more. It even eats sushi again! The real kind.

This body can run, lounge, jump, sleep, dance, and cuddle. This body has smoothness and curves. This body gets hungry and satisfied. This body is loved, respected, nurtured, and thanked.

This body is mine!

Has anything drastically changed with my body in the past few weeks? Not really. True, I have been adhering to a consistent pattern of eating. I have been outside more and I've been using my body more. Still, nothing ground-breaking has happened to it. It's what's happened to my mind that is more exciting.

I am accepting. I am loving. I am thankful for this body, and I embrace it. Do I have parts that jiggle and shake? Yes. Do I have parts that are thin? Yes. Do I have areas that I'm not 100% satisfied with? Yes. Do I have parts that I really love? Yes.

This isn't ED, this is real life. We all have things we wish we could change, but when it comes down to the heart of the matter, I love this body, and I don't want to hurt it ever again.

What liberation! What a tremendous sigh of relief to realize that I haven't been giving in to ED. I can't remember the last time I really questioned what I was eating. How free it feels to nourish myself and not have my entire day - my entire life - revolve around food and eating (or not eating.) What a wonderful feeling to look in the mirror and not have to body-check, not have to examine my waist or my hips or my belly. To just see that person in the mirror and be happy that she is here.

Kaitlin is here, and she is taking her life back from ED.

Why Isn't it Getting Easier?

I am pretty sure that recovery is harder than being sick. Now that I am recovering, I have to bite back when ED tries to tell me that I am worthless, fat, ugly, and not good enough. Honestly, I am getting so tired of it. Why isn't recovery getting easier?

I broke down last night. I just cried and cried. I felt so ugly; so huge. All I could see was my tummy hanging out, and bulges that never used to be there. I wanted my sick body back. I still kind of do...

But, I can't want that. How could I want that? The gray skin, the brittle hair, the sore, weak body, the jutting bones, the grotesque limbs, the constant cold, the self-hate. I don't want that again. Yet, I don't like what I have now. I don't know how to deal with a body that is bigger and heavier than it used to be. Three-quarters of my wardrobe no longer fits; I have curves that I haven't had in so long; getting dressed is a huge battle that leaves me feeling like a stuffed sausage.

I think I've had a lot of triggers lately, even if I am only realizing them now. Springtime means warmer weather, which means short sleeves, shorts, dresses, and skirts. I'm not even thinking of swimsuits at this point, because it scares the crap out of me. I feel extremely self-conscious about showing any skin; I have been covering up with sweatpants and hoodies. To top it off, my spring and summer clothes don't even fit, which makes me want to cry.

Another trigger? I have been exposed to a lot of ads and talk surrounding weight loss and "clean" eating. It's getting to me. I used to be orthorexic (extremely health-conscious) and now I'm eating things that have ingredients I would have completely shunned in the past. I had a long conversation with my boyfriend today about sugars and refined carbs...and my fear of consuming them.

The truth is, I don't feel cute, pretty, or attractive. I feel like a whale, and I feel like all I've gained is a belt of belly fat that I want to starve and exercise away. I've stayed away from body-checking, but I was suggested to just look at myself (not pulling or poking at anything on my body) and just see that I am beautiful. Could I do that? I don't know...

I also don't know where I would be without the wonderful man in my life. What other guy would do something like this for his girlfriend?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzTa9OG1Gu-GSVZLSmI0aGlkYzQ/view?usp=sharing [WARNING: This link shows models showing skin, although they have healthy, normal bodies.]

Wow. That was pretty powerful to see. My question is: why aren't these women in the mainstream? These women are beautiful; they're hot! I just feel so far from seeing my body the same way...and at this point, I am kind of stuck. I've actually been feeling this way for a few weeks, and it is not getting easier. I wish I knew a good, positive way to end this post. Some days are just really, really difficult.

Small Victories

I know I've been progressing, and it's important for me to acknowledge my small victories.

Victory #1: I get excited and happy when I eat a cookie. Huge victory. I am hardly getting those ED thoughts of gaining a million pounds from some dessert. I eat something sweet almost daily, and it's great - and yummy.

Victory #2: My mood is improving. My boyfriend and I had a picnic over the weekend and ate our traditional picnic meal: cream cheese-and-mushroom sandwiches paired with some peanuts. Strange? Yes. Delicious? Double yes. This is a meal that would've sent me into a spiral of anxiety just a few months ago. It might be the sunnier, warmer weather along with my gains in recovery, but people are noticing my happier mood.

Victory #3: I am becoming a pro at recognizing ED thoughts. I am really starting to question: "Is this coming from God?" If it's telling me that I'm worthless, ugly, or a failure, then the answer is NO, and I am throwing those thoughts out the window. Focusing on my faith has been great. Bonus: I had my baptism on Sunday.

All in all, these are wonderful successes for my body, mind, and spirit. I am learning to be more patient with myself and quite honestly, I am finding much better things to do with my time than feel hopeless.

*Note: I wrote this blog post yesterday, and some updates are in order. These victories are great and I keep on keeping on. I had a little setback when I got really down about my body. I still have not body-checked, so that's good. However, a new medication I am taking is making me extremely nauseous and bloated. Complete horror for my recovery. My doctor told me it could take 2-3 months to get used to this medication, so I'm in this for the long haul. Yet, I've always known the road to recovery would be a  l o n g  one. :)

A Recovery Victory

I'm pushing a nine-year-old on a swing and then hopping from rock to rock in a creek. I'm jumping and running and laughing. I'm finally in my body, not in my mind.

Maybe it was the child-like splendor of my day yesterday, but I shed my insecurities and the perceived ideal of "beautiful" that was once ingrained in my head. Yesterday, I just let go and I was free.

As I pumped my legs back and forth on the swing, I was thankful that I had strong, healthy legs. I admired the strength of them, and the lovely shape from my ankles to my hips. I looked at my thighs and I liked them.

As I leapt across the rocks, avoiding the cool water below, I was thankful for my arms, which are getting stronger and stronger every day. They allowed me to keep my balance as I navigated the slippery stones to avoid splashing into the water.

As I frolicked through the trees and shrubs, I was thankful for my body, which I nourished so that I could run and play in the park with two awesome boys. This body is mine, and it's been through a lot, so I am so grateful that it helps me do activities I love, and travel to different places, and cuddle with the one I love.

I don't just want recovery, I want victory. Yesterday I felt closer than ever to it. I didn't need to body-check, I didn't need to count the calories going into my body and I didn't need to count the calories being burned. I didn't need to step on a scale, nor scrutinize my waist. I loved my body and I respected it and nourished it and thanked it.

Somewhere in my past I forgot what beauty is. It's not being stick-thin and it's not having curves. It's not wearing makeup or going bare-faced. It's not having long, flowing locks or a short, spunky hairdo. It's not wearing a pretty dress or lounging in pajamas.

It's being a person who respects herself and loves herself and cares for herself. It's spending time with others and listening to them and laughing with them and playing with them and helping them. Society tries to tell us what beauty is, but they've got it all wrong. Beauty is you and beauty is me and beauty is every woman who wakes up in the morning and lives her life as herself...not as someone our sick culture says she should be.

I'm not beautiful like you. I'm beautiful like ME. 

I Can (Almost) See Clearly Now

When you have an eating disorder, you often see things much differently than non-eating disordered people. For example, I look at my body and see things that need to be "fixed." The average person looks at me and thinks I look absolutely fine. (On a side note: our bodies are not things that need to be "fixed." We are not problems to be solved.)

So, I still have poor body image and body dysmorphia. Yet, I am trying to embrace my new body; my healthy body. I think I realized a great indicator of progress last night. I was watching a movie and I saw that one of the actresses was playing a character who was very skinny. Really skinny. Granted, this character was supposed to look that way (she was in rehab for drugs.) So, it kind of made sense that the actress looked like that. My first reaction? "Ew, she is so skinny; she looks horrible! I'm glad I don't look like that."

Was that me thinking that? Normally I would admire that actress' body; I would want to look sickly and like I just came out of the depths of hell. What is happening to me? I am recovering. :)

This is what recovery with a cat looks like, in case you were wondering.

Trying to Trust the Science!

If you know me, you know that I run screaming whenever a situation involving numbers presents itself. Throughout my school career, I was always hanging on by a thread in my math and science classes. Long division? Percentages? Fractions? DERIVATIVES?! No way. My final semester of college was spent banging my head against a wall for thinking "Rocks for Jocks" (geology class) was going to be a cakewalk. I can't look at a rock formation or a sandbox the same way anymore.

Clearly, science has never really been my thing. Yet, I recently read some scientific approaches to my illness. I was frantically looking for some kind of support in my twisted I-am-so-fat-right-now-please-can-I-just-wake-up-tomorrow-and-be-skinny-again mentality. Good ol' Google led me to some academic papers and personal journeys about anorexia and the oh-so-scary refeeding and weight restoration process.

Some tidbits that have stayed with me include:

patients with anorexia nervosa may demonstrate an abnormal distribution of body fat (lipodystrophy) that preferentially deposits fat to the trunk and away from the periphery;

After achieving a healthy weight, individuals recovering from anorexia nervosa still typically need to eat more calories to maintain their new healthy weight — more than healthy individuals of the same weight who do not have eating disorder histories;

Overall, the body composition data seem to suggest that at least 50%, and perhaps more, of weight regained is fat tissue; (trying not to freak out about that one)

To obtain the best chance of long-term weight maintenance recovery, AN patients should persist with an increased [and varied!] caloric intake treatment plan.

OK. So...I need to eat. A lot. Rather than following my recovery meal plan for a week, then restricting, then following the meal plan again, then restricting...I need to commit to recovery. My body is probably freaking out from my wonky eating patterns. No wonder! 

Recovery may be harder than actually being sick. Just goes to show you that this illness is not just a matter of "eating more." The past few weeks have been really, really difficult. As in, seek more treatment difficult. Yet, after reading the science behind this screwed up disorder, I feel a bit relieved. Yeah, I'm gaining fat, but who cares?! ED does, but my friends and family don't. A person with a healthy mind thinks I look quite "normal."

OK, that looks pretty "normal"

It's hard to shut off my eating disorder and put on my healthy-thoughts thinking cap. If anything, re-reading this post when I feel the need to restrict again might help get me through it. Plus, I've been reading a lot of stories from recovered anorexics who have made it through and can see food as something to be enjoyed, not angry at or afraid of. 

Maybe there is something to this science stuff...

Breaking Up is Hard to do

Relationships are difficult, particularly destructive ones. I've been in a pretty long relationship with ED, but after 5 years of horror, I decided that we needed to break up. ED didn't take it very well. Even though I broke up with my eating disorder, it hasn't broken up with me. It still tries to tag along, no matter where I go.

I recently told my therapist that I feel as though ED is right on my heels. If I ease up or lose my momentum for just one second, ED will snatch me up in his sharp talons. I've felt ED's presence very strongly for the past few weeks. From the calorie-counting and the persistent body-checking, to the body-bashing and guilt about dessert, I know it has all been my eating disorder. So I think it's time to remember the reasons why I left ED:

1. I have much better things to do than fight with my body.
2. Self-hate just isn't OK; at any size.
3. My body has been given to me by God. It's about time I started appreciating this gift.
4. Food is good, no matter how much ED tries to tell me otherwise.
5. Without ED, I am free to discover who Kaitlin really is.

There are many more reasons why life is worth so much more than my eating disorder. ED may be tricky, but I can recognize thoughts and behaviors that are only going to lead me towards self-destruction. The path to recovery is verrrrry long, and I may currently be going through a tunnel. I've had some pretty scary thoughts and urges. On Friday I even half-acted on those urges. This alarmed two of my supports.

The idea of going back into treatment was discussed. So, I may do an intake assessment just to see what they say. Right now, my main problem is that I don't have the stamina to fight off my eating disorder, and I have such a tiny support system that it is really hard to progress. When I told some people about my lapse (and fear of it becoming a full-blown relapse,) they just shook their heads and ignored it.

Just the thought of going back to treatment is enough to make me kick it into high gear and try my very hardest. I will slam the door in ED's face and fight with all of my strength every day if I have to, because I know that going back is just not worth it.

I had some major slip-ups the past couple of weeks. It's time to stand up yet again and do this. Just keep going! Here are some things I remember to keep pushing forward:

1. I reunited with a friend this weekend and had a great lunch. Fabulous progress!
2. I am loved based on my character; not my body.
3. The more I restrict, the more my body will go all wonky once I wise up and actually start fueling my body again. Why not just bypass that horror and nourish myself now?
4. People are noticing my healthy glow, or as my mom says my "bump in the back." I have a butt now!
5. Jennifer Lawrence. I rave about her so much, it's probably a bit creepy and annoying, but oh my gosh, she's so HOT and she DOESN'T have abs nor does she wear a size zero!

Creepiness over; fighter face on!

The Calorie-Counting Conundrum

I am in recovery from anorexia. Counting calories seems a bit of a bad idea, no? This is how messed up this disorder is. My brain goes against rational thinking and fills my head with stupid fluff. I need to get that stuff out of my head and fill it with positivity, because I am recovering; I AM DOING THIS! 

I have counted calories on several occasions since I've left treatment. It concerns some people close to me who think this is a bad idea, and you know what? They're probably right. I've got enough anxiety as it is; do I really want to painstakingly calculate the calories, fat, protein, etc. in everything I'm eating? No! My goal has always been to have normalized eating, and "normal" people don't count everything they eat. Some people are fine with counting calories. All I know is that this habit is a destructive one for me, and I just don't need that right now - or ever! 

In treatment, they had us counting "exchanges," which would be your starches, fats, proteins, dairy products, fruits, and vegetables. I would be required to eat so many fat exchanges and starch exchanges and fruit exchanges. This habit gave me a bit of anxiety...if I were eating out or at someone's house, I'd feel weird or as if I were skimping if I didn't get the set number of exchanges I was supposed to get. I also got fed up with fitting so many exchanges into my daily eating. So once I left treatment, I decided that counting exchanges was not good for me either.

I'm not counting calories. I'm not counting exchanges. Ah! Now what?

I have a quote on my bathroom mirror: "Eating is not a crime. It's normal. It just is." 

It just is! We are all different; my eating habits and dietary needs are going to be different from yours, and from my boyfriend's, and from my friends' from treatment. As long as I am eating a variety of colorful foods each day, I am good! The re-feeding process and getting weight restored has been extremely difficult, but look at how far I've come! My weight has been steady (and healthy) for about two weeks now, and I have not been counting my calories, nor my exchanges. Our bodies are incredible things; they know what we need and what we don't. It's about time I started listening to my body, not my disorder.

Anxiety

Anxiety. It seemed to be the hot topic of the various conversations I've had today. What is anxiety? Well, basically anxiety is the feeling of stress and alertness people feel after the stressing event or situation has passed. Pay attention: after the stressor has passed. So, even though the stressful thing is over and done with, anxiety continues to loom over your head and rain down big drops of worry. Sound familiar? It does for me!

I do believe that I am getting much better at handling my anxiety. Constant worrying has been a complement to my eating disorder, but I've always been a worrier. It might always be my instinct to fret about something, but I am doing a good job of recognizing what needs to be worried about and what is simply out of my control.

Take this afternoon, for example. My boyfriend asked me to hang out, but I honestly felt like I just needed to be alone. I wasn't feeling social, and that's fine! He was totally cool with it, and told me to just take some space for myself. Yet, I couldn't let it go! I was anxious:

Oh my gosh, he's going to think I'm so selfish. I'm so selfish! I can't even go hang out with my boyfriend when he wants to see me. Selfish! 

Fortunately, I was able to use a strategy I learned in treatment. Thought challenging! I love this coping skill. I simply take the feeling that I have, and challenge it with reality.

Thought/feeling: I'm selfish.                    
Reality: I am not selfish for needing to spend some time alone.

Thought/feeling: My boyfriend will be angry.
Reality: He told me it was okay to be alone!

I feel better already. Nothing is wrong with taking some time for yourself (this applies to everyone!) Besides, I've decided that life is way too short for me to be at war with my body, myself, or with anyone else for that matter.

Tonight I am spending some time alone. I am going to make an awesome dinner for myself, take a walk, and curl up with a book. Might even throw some dessert in there. :)

                                                                   

The Comparison Game - Why We Will Always Lose!

Ah, comparisons. With Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and other social-media stuff I don't know about, there are so many ways to compare ourselves to others. Huge billboards portray gorgeous men and women who seem to come from the land of flawless bodies and stunning faces. Comparisons are all around us, and cover all facets of our lives: beauty, possessions, status, jobs, money, etc.

Comparisons played a huge part in my eating disorder, and continue to plague me in recovery. I've compared myself to the most ridiculous things: animated characters, models, classmates, strangers, my boyfriend, my peers, children, other patients...I've compared my bank account, my own recovery, my weight, my hair, my face, my clothing, my faith, my art, my writing, my college degree, my job status, my skills, my voice, and more.

I catch myself time and again making stupid comparisons. That's when I read some truth. God does not compare us; we are all uniquely made and have different gifts and abilities. Am I going to compare myself to the twisted reality of this society? Or am I going to renew my mind and realize that I am enough.

You are enough.

It's an awesome thing to finally comprehend. Yet I know it is not always easy. I still fall down and need to pick myself up (or, more often than not, have someone else pick me up!) When my younger sister buys her first car and snags an internship, or someone I know pays off their student loans, or I give in to another ED thought and let it waste my valuable time and energy...I remember that I am enough.

Don't get me wrong; comparisons can be a good thing if we use them in a healthy manner. For example, if I compare myself now to the person I was one year ago, I can see huge improvement: I'm at a healthy weight; I have a loving boyfriend; I'm writing daily; I'm doing more art; I'm in recovery (that's a really good one!)

So maybe instead of comparing myself to other people, I can compare myself to ... well, myself. Look at how far I've come! I'm sure you've come pretty far yourself. I can't wait to see how I'll keep moving forward in the future.

Meat Cravings?

I have been a vegetarian for five and a half years. It started at the beginning of college because let's be honest: college dining hall food is questionable, especially the meat! I had a lot of reasons for my vegetarianism:

-it can be more environmentally friendly
-it can be cheaper for my food budget
-it can be healthier for my body
-it can be better for the animals

Of course, all of these reasons depend on a lot of different factors. Vegetarians are not always healthier than meat-eaters, and there are plenty of vegetarians who still spend a lot of money on other foods (unhealthy or healthy.)

Thinking back on when I became a vegetarian, I do believe an underlying reason for my decision was dictated by ED. I was at the height of my anorexia, and eliminating meat was another food group I just didn't need to worry about. Being a vegetarian was socially acceptable, and I could cut out a lot of calories by not eating meat.

Fast forward five years, and I have become a much healthier vegetarian. I get my protein from a variety of sources, including lots of eggs, dairy products, beans, nuts, seeds, and hummus. I actually have not really had the urge to go back to meat. At the same time, I do not feel any malice towards meat-eaters. All of my friends eat meat, and I now buy meat for my boyfriend when we cook together.

Yet, something strange has happened these past two days.

I HAVE BEEN CRAVING MEAT.

What is this?!?!?! I want to delight in some sushi, and the commercials I'm seeing for popcorn chicken and burgers look strangely tempting. I am so confused!

Now that I am eating a variety of foods, is my body finally "waking up"? It is getting nutrients after five years of starvation. Is the next step in my recovery to eat meat?

I just don't know if I am ready for that yet, but it is something to keep in mind. Time will tell if the vegetarian lifestyle continues to meet my needs, or if I will go over to the dark side. Is that why the chicken crossed the road? Hehehehehehehe!

Orthorexic Urges...and Opposing Them!

I classify myself not only as a recovering anorexic, but also an orthorexic. Someone with orthorexia has an extreme obsession with avoiding foods deemed "unhealthy." I'm that person who painstakingly examines the nutrition and ingredient labels of everything I buy in the grocery store. Today I went to the supermarket with my boyfriend, and I was reminded that I still have some work to do in this department. So I challenged myself by adding to my shopping cart a loaf of bread and some ice cream I wouldn't normally purchase.

Lately, I've been doing a good job of challenging my eating disordered behaviors. This week, I've eaten some foods that a couple of years ago would have resulted in extreme guilt, anger, frustration, and fear. As strange as it is, giving in to ED behaviors makes me feel in control (even though in the back of my mind I know ED is controlling me.) Well, I am happy to say that not only did I eat "new" foods this week, but I am alive! I am not bloated, gross, fat, nor do I feel out of control. Even eating a food that was a bit scary (it was a previous binge food) was a great success.

I am on my way to eating "normally!" I am using quotes because is there really a normal? I'm not sure. What I do know is that disordered eating is not okay, and I intend to continue moving away from ED.

I spoke a lot with my therapist and boyfriend today and explored how ED makes the simple act of eating so difficult. Eating is meant to be an enjoyable experience, not a stressful one! Not to mention, it's totally necessary in order to live life to the fullest. How sad that ED has robbed me of the joys of enjoying meals. Little by little, I feel less of a need to look over my shoulder to see ED lurking in the corner. It's such a great feeling.

I've had dessert every night this week. For dinner, I had instant ramen, which I have not eaten in YEARS. I thoroughly enjoyed these meals and I am considering this a huge step in my recovery. Even better, my body image has not been affected by these actions. I still see me and my real body, not some funhouse-mirror-style Kaitlin who is huge. This is progress!

Of course, there is still work to be done, but if I take baby steps and do something each day, then that is great. My friend used an analogy of carrying a backpack full of bricks, with the bricks representing our burdens (ED or otherwise.) Each day, try to take out a brick and lift it up to God. You can't take all of the bricks out in one day, but if you can empty the backpack little by little, you are moving forward.

This week, I've taken some very heavy bricks out of my backpack.

Accepting Yourself

With my recent physical ailments, it makes me wonder if the new changes in my eating patterns are to blame. How many of my physical problems are related to ED and how many are just "normal?" What about my intellectual and emotional challenges? The mood swings; the waves of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness; the tummy issues; trouble doing things that used to come naturally. I certainly feel more stupid than I did in high school. I can no longer multitask. Is that a side effect of ED? Or life? Or a little bit of both?

Recently, I spoke with my boyfriend about a project we want to work on together. It's his big dream; it is very important to him and he trusts me enough to help him with the writing for it. I want to do it, I really do. Yet, it seems that every time we talk about it or brainstorm, I get overwhelmed, scared, and frustrated. I hear those ugly voices in my head again - "not good enough;" "you'll mess the project up;" "stupid!;" "you're a waste of time." 

These thoughts keep me back from really helping. I realize that all they do is fuel that absurd belief in the back of my mind that there is something wrong with me.

Lies!

I need to move past these thoughts. Just as I nourish my body with food so I can be strong and healthy, I need to start putting positive thoughts and ideas into my head.

I don't know the full extent of how screwed up ED has made me. It makes me sad when people think that ED is primarily a physical thing. It strikes its victims on so many levels: I get stomachaches from just a hint of spice; I need to refeed my body so my stomach can handle more than a handful of food at one time; my mind gets foggy if I need to do two things at once; I need to turn off the television or radio if I'm talking to someone; expressing my ideas is harder than it used to be; I need to drink a supplemental drink because I just can't get all my nutrients from food right now; my emotions are stabilizing but I still have days where I'm up and down several times; I haven't felt like a woman in 5 years (if you know what I mean); I get shortness of breath from the worry and who knows what else.

In spite of all that, I need to live with the consequences of starving my body for five years. I was sick for a long time; I will not get "better" after a 6-week treatment program, and I may have to live with ED thoughts and urges for the rest of my life. I can let that get to me and I can throw in the towel right now...or I can accept this life because it's mine and I can CONTINUE

                                                                     MOVING

                                                                             FORWARD.

One Less Trigger?

As I was watching a movie on TV with my boyfriend the other night, I realized how our culture tries to make us feel like crap. Really! In a three-minute block of commercials, we watched as companies tried to sell us makeup, a sports car, and hair products that would make us desirable and happier. Ugh.

I'm so glad I am no longer pulled in by those ads and commercials. Stick-thin women and muscular men, both wearing half their weight in makeup and/or extremely photoshopped...this kind of thing used to make me feel as though I wasn't good enough. Now I simply roll my eyes or even laugh.

When the movie we were watching came back on, I was relieved. We were actually watching The Hunger Games, and I gushed over Jennifer Lawrence. Pretty sure she's my girl-crush. Here is a young woman with a body that is feminine and natural-looking and BEAUTIFUL! Even Josh Hutcherson is hot in his stocky, not-so-tall way.

When asked why she didn't get teeny-tiny for her role in The Hunger Games (watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3HU7e1XrYA), Jennifer Lawrence said that her character is someone that little girls look up to and want to emulate. She didn't want to look like an emaciated walking stick.

YESSSSSSSSSSS

The media isn't totally to blame for eating disorders; I know that. However, all the hype about celebrity diets, exercise routines, and being thin, thin, thin certainly don't help fuel positive body image - for anyone.

Thankfully, I've learned to break free from the grip that the media had on me, and I now surround myself with body positivity. That doesn't mean I don't have poor body image days, but I now know that I want a strong, healthy body; one that can eat a cookie or a salad;  run a mile or laze around on the couch. A strong, healthy body that can help me live life to the fullest.